Six LDS Writers and A Frog

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

The Best of 2006

by Robison Wells

It's a new beginning, an Apocalypto as it were. It's a time to reflect on the past and look to the future. A time to recycle old blogs and pretend that they're new. So, without further ado, here are some of the best parts of my blogging this last year.

On the life of an author, March 14 2006:
"Authors spend most of their lives holed up in a dark corner. We hide from the real world. Our best friend is our computer. When we get together with other authors we talk about grammar and Writer's Market and conventions. To put it plainly, we're a bunch of nerds. We're like college boys who spend thirty-six hours straight playing Everquest online – except that we authors not only live in a false reality, it's a reality that we make up! We sit by ourselves in a dark room and play pretend."

On why I hate public libraries, March 21, 2006
"Let me elucidate a few of the differences between the Marriott Library and the public library.
Okay, so there’s only one, but it’s all encompassing: the Marriott Library is quiet, while the public library is a frickin’ train station."

On being detail-oriented, April 19 2006
"In my books, people apparently change clothes mid-scene. Laws of physics are defied. Waitresses miraculously become waiters. Why won't people recognize my genius?!"

On upcoming writing projects, April 25 2006
"I have other ideas that I fully intend to never devote time to, such as the tale of three wacky Vietnamese roommates named Bo, Beau, and Charles. (Seriously, this stupid thing has been sitting in my head for four years now, and I can't get it out. I'm nearly ready to funnel bleach into my ear canal to wash my brain.)"

On LDS film, May 16 2006
"Do I think that The Home Teachers deserves an Oscar based on nothing more than effort and potential? Of course not. But at the same time, I can cut it some slack. These early films are paving the way for future. Someday The Singles Ward, might be considered an LDS equivalent of The Birth of a Nation."

On being a moron, May 23 2006
"My hard drive crashed, and I wept bitter, bitter tears. I was in the proverbial Gall Of Bitterness, as it were. Had I backed up everything on a disk? Nope. Will I obsessively back everything up in the future? Also nope. Am I lazy to my own destruction? Yep."

On visiting cemeteries,, May 30 2006
"If you ever try to find something fun to do, such as go and sit on the wall of the cemetery and applaud as cars drive by, then inevitably some old lady will get out of her station wagon and tell you to have some respect for the dead. Seriously: what the heck?"

On delving a little too deeply into my books, June 6 2006
"I keep wishing that one day I'll bump into my characters on the street. I'd like to talk with them. I have questions for them. Did I portray them correctly? Would they have really acted the way I wrote them? Do they like me? Can we be best friends forever?"

On things I hate, June 20 2006
"In a recent study ninety percent of cell phone users said other cell phone users are often inconsiderate, talking loudly at inappropriate times. But the study also said that only 15% of cell phone users ever thought that they themselves were rude. Conclusion: not only are cell phone users garishly annoying, but they're dumb and oblivious. And I hate them. Hey you! Yeah, you with the cell phone! I hate you."

On The Da Vinci Code, June 27, 2006
"Frankly, I thought, if your testimony of Christ’s divinity is so shaky that Dan Brown and his gang of Grailkateers destroyed it, then you probably didn’t have one to begin with. (That, or you put way too much faith in the media to inform you spiritually. Would you like to join my new church? Our Lady Dora of the Exploradoras, featuring the Fiesta Trinity.)"

On product placement, July 18 2006
"With all the usual flair and aplomb we’ve come to expect from the good folks at Disney, Dead Man’s Chest tells the story of Covergirl Keira Knightly, GQ hipster Johnny Depp, and pretty boy Legolas as they battle the forces of watery evil. Well, sorry for the spoiler, but evil goes down the drain faster than a Drano-soaked clog. The effects are as eye-popping as Old Navy’s new autumn lineup, the plot is as tight as the sweet German engineering of a finely tuned Volkswagen, and the romance is hotter than the new, cheesier Hot Pockets."

On Stephanie Black, July 21 2006
"Yesterday, I received the following email from Stephanie Black:
'I found mouse crap in my bathroom cupboards today. I thought of you.'"

On being a good tenant, August 21, 2006
"So that night I was very pleased with myself for being such a better tenant of the apartment. No loud music and alcohol poisoning here, thank you very much. For dinner I made some homemade french fries and the oil boiled over, and there was a big grease fire, and my wife called 911."

On the first book I ever wrote, August 29, 2006
"It was this really stupendously-awesome novel about elves and dwarves, but (and here's the money-maker!) it had World War Two technology. So, in other words, it was a story about World War Two, except the Nazis were elves, and there were some goblins in South America. This book was lame. Seriously, it took lameness to the city limits of Lameopolis, driving in a lameosine. When it reached the county line, it vomited all over the pavement."

On Coca-Cola, September 12 2006
"I don't know when my love affair with Coca-Cola began, but you can rest assured it's been a torrid, violent relationship, marked by passion and lust and pain and tears. I'm Tina Turner, and Coca-Cola is Ike. I'm Patty Hearst, and Coke is the Symbionese Liberation Army. I'm John Belushi, and Coke is, well, coke."

On Anita Stansfield, October 3 2006
"In fact, I can say without the least degree of exaggeration that I attempted to dance the Lindy Hop with Anita Stansfield, and that she couldn’t keep up with my l33t skillz. Frankly, for a woman who writes books called A Time To Dance, Dancing in the Light, and A Dance to Remember, she wasn’t that great of a dancer. (Either that, or I wasn’t, and I simply can’t imagine that could be the case.)"

On college, October 10 2006
"I changed my major four times in college. I started in architecture, moved to anthropology, moved to history, and finally landed in political science. While all of them fascinated me, I didn't have a deep passion for them; I didn't really want be an architect or an anthropologist or a historian or a fry cook."

On being a dad, November 21 2006
"Holly’s very interested in My Little Ponies and she very much enjoys it when we play together, which I probably don’t need to tell you is not a particularly masculine activity. And when we play, she always claims the more macho ponies—-Minty and Kimono-—and leaves me with Sparkleworks and Rainbow Dash."

On writing serials, December 5 2006
"The idea that I could follow a group of characters for such an extended storyline makes my mouth water and my typing fingers itch. (Perhaps I have a rash?)"

On Search Enging Optimization, December 12 2006
"This is all a bit shameless, of course, and certainly not the kind of behavior that you'll ever find on this site. We really only want people to find this site because of the great content, not because we've virtually tricked them into visiting. At no point are we ever going to use common phrases and keywords just so that search engines will direct people here. There will be no "Free pictures of Britney Spears!" here, thank you very much."

So there you have it. I noticed while I was collecting these quotes that I was gathering less and less the later in the year I got. So, am I getting less funny? Or are my posts just more serious and sophisticated? Or, more likely, was it because I keep resorting to these cop-out posts? Tune in next week to find out!


At 1/02/2007 1:32 PM, Blogger Tristi Pinkston said...

I love your year in review, Rob. You are seriously one funny guy, and no, you're not losing it. I actually snorted once or twice, which is a very good sign.

At 1/02/2007 4:14 PM, Blogger Marsha Ward said...

Are those rhetorical questions?

word ver, jifbhgbr: having to do with cold, hanging peanut butter maybe?

At 1/02/2007 6:03 PM, Blogger Sariah S. Wilson said...

This doesn't really have anything to do with your year in review Rob, but I did just find out that they're filming a new version of Persuasion.

I knew how thrilled you would be.

At 1/02/2007 6:18 PM, Blogger RobisonWells said...

Well, it can't be any worse than the last Persuasion--and they'd be hard-pressed to find a more homely couple to play the leads. I mean, honestly.

At 1/02/2007 7:57 PM, Blogger Tristi Pinkston said...

You know what, for once I have to agree with Rob about Persuasion. I really didn't care for the actors and I had a hard time understanding why that book is considered Austen's finest.

At 1/03/2007 12:08 AM, Blogger Stephanie Black said...

Wow. I am, like, honored beyond words to be part of Rob's best of 2006 list.

At 1/03/2007 12:58 PM, Blogger Evil HR Lady said...

Great list Rob. I'm glad you reminded me of so many funny things.


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