My Core Beliefs

by Robison Wells

All people, to some extent, base their lives around some ideology. For example, your staunch Stalinist ways may color the way you do everything, or, your religious devotion might alter how you live. Kerry Blair is a Quaker. Stephanie Black is a rage-filled anarchist. You get the idea.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'd like to explain some of the ideologies to which I cling. I hope that, through this open, honest communication, we will come to a better understanding of one another, and ultimately you will become a fellow Nu-Skin distributor.

First of all, I'm a Luddite. Not in the real sense, of course, with its advocacy of sabotage and zipperless clothing, but in the sense that I hate cell phones and generally think they're the devil's playthings. Most other technologies I'm perfectly fine with. My laptop, for example, is rad to the max, as is its trackball mouse and 19" monitor. I'm not a fan of Palm Pilots, but I think that's just because I used to have one and it got stolen (at the University of Utah -- the devil's other plaything).

But cell phones -- hoo boy, what a nightmare. In a recent study (which I did NOT make up!) ninety percent of cell phone users said other cell phone users are often inconsiderate, talking loudly at inappropriate times. But the study also said that only 15% of cell phone users ever thought that they themselves were rude. Conclusion: not only are cell phone users garishly annoying, but they're dumb and oblivious. And I hate them. Hey you! Yeah, you with the cell phone! I hate you.

(Disclaimer: yes, I know that they're really handy in an emergency, but how often are they used in an emergency? Contrariwise, how often are they used while you're standing next to me in line at the checkout counter and you're going on and on about that dinner you ate with, like, the beets and one fell off your fork and, like, stained your shirt -- you remember the one with the pink and the thing? Yeah that one -- and Josh just laughed and laughed and laughed, but things just aren't working out with him anyway and you've decided to see other people, and there's this guy you met at the Gap, and he's, like, such a dreamboat!)

The second ideology to which I pledge allegiance is anti-heliolatry, which is a big word I just made up and means I detest the sun. I prefer any kind of weather to a sunny day (yes, even sleet!). Similarly, I prefer any season to summer.

And lest you think that all of my ideologies are based on hatred and rage, here's the third: Perfect Food Theory.

I've been developing Perfect Food Theory for several years now. One day I hope to spring it on the unsuspecting public to much critical claim and monetary success. It's not a diet, in the sense that it won't make you lose weight. I don't know really what purpose it serves other than to make me happy.

Here's the theory: every food has a Perfection Quotient attached to it. It gauges two things: taste and ease of eating. To achieve a perfect score (100%), a food must be very tasty and very easy to eat. And, even though I don't have a mathematical equation worked out, you can be assured that ease of eating (EOE) outweighs taste (T) at least two-to-one.

Examples? I thought you'd never ask.

A hard-boiled egg earns a very high Perfection Quotient: somewhere in the 75% range. It's incredibly easy to eat -- it comes in it's own disposable wrapper, for goodness sake. The taste is questionable, but decent.

A banana ranks even higher -- perhaps an 80%. Again, taste isn't great, but the wrapper is even easier to use, and quicker to remove. (Plus, the banana peel gives you something clean to hold on to while eating -- it's like nature's own Big Mac!)

A fried chicken leg? 90%, easy. Taste is unmatched -- a perfect score. Plus, it comes with a handle.

Low scorers: oranges are pretty close to the bottom. The flavor is okay, but you've got to peel them -- and not the easy hard-boiled egg, flesh-of-the-thumb peeling, but aggressive fingernail peeling, leaving your hands covered in smell and white fruit starch. (Also: juice dribbles all over the place.) T: 40% EOE: 20%

And currently holding the record as lowest scorer: crab legs. Lots and lots of prying and cracking and squishing, and your hands get messy, and the end result is just a tiny little piece of meat. Good meat, yes, but so very very not worth it. T:30% EOE:5%

In conclusion: I hate modern technology, and yet I thrive on modern convenience. Also: I hate the sun.

Fun game: Why don't you comment and tell me your life-shaping ideologies? If you have good ones, you'll win the grand prize (Kerry Blair coming to your house to cook you breakfast in bed -- hard-boiled eggs, bananas, and fried chicken. Yum!)