Election 08: Townhall Meeting

With the Iowa primaries just around the corner, I thought it would be a good public service to our readers if we offered them a little more education on the candidates and their platforms. Consequently, I’ve brought the top six contenders together in a townhall format to talk about the issues facing America right now.

Without further ado, I’d like to present our esteemed guests: Ebenezer Scrooge, The Grinch, Heat Miser, Hermey the Elf, Donna Reed, and Edward Cullen.


ROB: Our first question is for you, Mr. Heat Miser. It was emailed in by a viewer in Des Moines. It reads: “Heat Miser, in these troubled times, what’s your stance on the War in Iraq.”

HEAT MISER: That’s a good question, and I’m glad you asked it. But I think we’re a long way from answering that question. First, America needs to answer this: what’s the deal with that stupid John Lennon Christmas Song? You know, “So This is Christmas”? What the heck?

SCROOGE: As the only British candidate in the room, I must say that I’m appalled by Heat Miser’s hatin’ on the Beatles.

HEAT MISER: But it wasn’t the Beatles. It was stupid John Lennon. “So this is Christmas, and what have you done?” And they always play it during commercials showing starving kids in Indonesia. In other words: “So this is Christmas, and you suck, with your iPods and your Guitar Hero.”

DONNA REED: Speaking of iPods… [Donna Reed subtley point over to the Grinch, who is looking at his video iPod.]

ROB: Uh, Mr. Grinch, this next question is for you. It’s from Doris in Vermont. “You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch. I was wondering if you would use some of that meanness to kick out all the illegal aliens?”

GRINCH: [Looking up] Did you know that you can download whole TV shows on this thing? Last night I got the entire third season of The Office. What is Jim thinking dating Karen?! And what’s the deal with Creed? SO. FUNNY.

SCROOGE: You know what Christmas song I hate? Barbra Streisand’s “Jingle Bells”. Seriously, if I’m elected, I’m going to outlaw that crap.

DONNA REED: Have you ever heard that Jingle Bells with the dogs barking? It is so adorable. Woof woof woof. Woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof.

ROB: The next question is for you, Hermey. It was emailed from Chicago. “Hermey, what do you think of Mr. Scrooge’s stance on healthcare? He was quoted as saying 'if they’re going to die, they’d better do it and decrease the surplus population.'"

SCROOGE: Slander!

HERMEY: I was once the indentured servant of one S. Claus, before I threw off the chains of his capitalist sweatshops. If I’m elected, I’ll ensure common ownership of the means of production. The elves will run the workshop now, Santa! A vote for Hermey is a vote for in-de-pen-dence!

DONNA REED: Woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof.

HEAT MISER: LOL, Donna!

ROB: I have another question for the Grinch. “What is your stance on capital punishment?”

GRINCH: I’d like to answer that question with a question: Remember in The Office when Dwight went behind Michael’s back and tried to get promoted? And then Michael found out and disciplined him by making him do his laundry for a year? So, my question is: who’s hotter: Pam or Karen?

HEAT MISER: The handbag girl.

GRINCH: Crap, I forgot about her. She was way hot.

DONNA REED: She was also the girl in Enchanted. And she was nominated for an Oscar for some artsy movie a couple years ago.

SCROOGE: And she was in Catch Me If You Can, with Leonardo DiCaprio.

HEAT MISER: Which leads me to my next question: why are people always making fun of Leo? He’s actually a really good actor. I think that people just hate him because they think he’s just a pretty face.

DONNA REED: I like George Clooney. Like, a lot.

GRINCH: Quick! Six degrees of separation: Donna Reed to George Clooney.

SCROOGE: Ooh… that’s a hard one. Can we connect to Rosemary Clooney, since they’re related?

GRINCH: Oh, come on. This is easy.

SCROOGE: So, we’ll start with either Jimmy Stewart or Lionel Barrymore… I think they were the most famous people in It’s a Wonderful Life.

DONNA REED: I was in 42 other movies, you know. And seven TV shows.

GRINCH: Got it! Jimmy Stewart (It’s a Wonderful Life), was in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance with John Wayne, who was in El Dorado with James Caan, who was in The Godfather with Al Pacino, who was in Ocean’s Thirteen with George Clooney.

DONNA REED: Awesome! Do any of you have his number?

ROB: Getting back to the debate, my next question is for Edward Cullen: “With test scores in America lower than many other western nations, what are you going to do about education?”

EDWARD: [You can see his perfectly sculpted muscles through his tight shirt.] Dear America, I want you to know how much I love you. Enough for forever.

DONNA REED: Oooh… maybe I’m voting for him.

HEAT MISER: Can we get back to the important issues? If I’m elected, I will abolish the BCS and implement a playoff.

SCROOGE: Oh, here we go again.

HEAT MISER: At the end of every season—but this season in particular—we realize how stupid this bowl system is. And yet we never do anything about it.

HERMEY: If I can interject something, let me just say that slaves are bought and sold only once, but the working man is bought and sold every hour of his life.

GRINCH: Who invited you? Okay guys, cage match: who would win in a fight between a ninja and a knight?

SCROOGE: Do you mean a literal cage match? Or a figurative one? Because a real cage match would go to the ninja.

EDWARD: [Edward’s skin sparkles like a million diamonds.] Dear America, do you ever think that life would be easier if you weren’t in love with me?

DONNA REED: Does the knight get his horse?

GRINCH: No, just his armor and his sword.

SCROOGE: What? A knight has to have his horse, or he isn’t a knight.

GRINCH: The fact that you can imagine a knight with or without a horse implies that they are two separate things.

DONNA REED: This is lame. The ninja would win.

EDWARD: [His chiseled features draw you to him.] Dear America, if I could dream, it would be about you.

SCROOGE: Does anyone have any holy water? Because, seriously.

HERMEY: There you go again, oppressing the minorities.

SCROOGE: A vampire is not a minority. And does anyone have a small box? Elf sized?

ROB: I think we’re running out of time.

HEAT MISER: You’re so full of crap. This was only, like, five minutes long.

ROB: But I have the on/off switch for the microphones.

[Click!]

EDWARD: [Edward winks at you, and your legs turn to jelly.]