My Endorsement

by Robison Wells

As you know, the election is one week from today! Holy freaking crap! By my count, I've blogged about it exactly nine hundred and thirty six times. And yet, in all that time, I've never actually endorsed a single party or candidate.

Well, the time has come. After all, if I really feel strongly enough to vote for someone, I probably ought to be willing to share my convictions with my dearest friends. And you, my blog readers, are the closest thing I have.

Without further ado, I would like to declare my choice of candidate for the 2008 Presidential Election. The man I'm endorsing is a talented individual, who has led an exciting and dangerous life. Some call him a hero, though I imagine he's too humble to apply those words to himself. But he's the man I'm voting for: le mort vivant, the angel of music, the Red Death: The Phantom of the Opera!

The Phantom has graciously accepted my invitation for an interview, and he's here in the studio with us today.

Rob: Phantom, let me say that this is a real treat. A real treat.

Phantom: No, I assure you, the pleasure is 100% my own. I'm in this race for the people--for people just like you, Rob.

Rob: Aw, shucks. Well, I have a few questions, Phantom.

Phantom: Please call me Erik.

Rob: Erik?

Phantom: My full name is Erik Of The Opera. "Phantom" is just a nickname.

Rob: Interesting. People have funny names in France, I guess.

Phantom: That we do. Erik Hussein Of The Opera.

Rob: Great. So, anyway, I have a few political questions. First, the world economies are in turmoil. What will you do to fix the problem?

Phantom: I would use my Punjab Lasso.

Rob: And... do what with it?

Phantom: Lasso the mess up.

Rob: Okay. I can see that, I guess. Next question: some people, including me a few moments ago, call you a hero. Why is that?

Phantom: Oh, who can say? I was imprisoned by the Gypsies for a while.

Rob: And did you do something particularly heroic while imprisoned?

Phantom: I became a magician. I later moved to Persia and became an architect.

Rob: That wasn't included in the musical.

Phantom: Do you know what else wasn't included in the musical? The fact that I have a skeletal face, with a sunken nose, and I'm corpse-like.

Rob: And you would have liked that?

Phantom: On Broadway I was played by Michael Crawford. That guy was in Hello Dolly! I can most definitely assure you that Don Juan Triumphant does not contain the lyrics: "We'll see the shows at Delmonico's, and we won't come back until we kiss a girl."

Rob: What about the guy in the movie version?

Phantom: The movie version of the musical? He looked like Brad freakin' Pitt. I'm the danged Red Death! For your viewing pleasure, I've included the following graphic. The left is me, the right is Phantom Fancy Pants Dreamboat.

Rob: So, why do you want everyone to know that you're ugly? Does that will help you politically? You're the ugly everyman Joe Sixpack?

Phantom: The last I checked, Joe Sixpack doesn't have a corpse-like face and the stench of death, no.

Rob: So, what's the reason?

Phantom: Because I'm all about ethics reform and bringing honesty back to politics. If I'm ugly, I want the media to report that I'm ugly. I get so sick of the media's prettiness bias.

Rob: Speaking of which, there's been talk about you being involved with a scandal.

Phantom: You mean the thing with kidnapping Raoul and forcing Christine to marry me?

Rob: Well, yes.

Phantom: That's all taken out of context. Once you know the whole story, I'm sure you'll agree that there's nothing to worry about.

Rob: And that story is?

Phantom: See, the thing is, I was in love with Christine, and I wanted her to marry me. But then she didn't want to--probably because I'm horrifically ugly and a murderer and maybe insane--so I had to kidnap her. But then Raoul was all gettin' up in my grill, so I had to try to kill him, and then lock him in a dungeon where he could slowly drown. See?

Rob: Makes perfect sense to me.

Phantom: You betcha.

Rob: So... do you hate America?

Phantom: Good question. I've never really thought about it. I think... well... I could take it or leave it. I don't hate it, but I don't not hate, either.

Well, there we have it. Dear readers, I hope that you, like me, will reflect upon this festive, Halloweenish time of year, and cast your vote for the candidate who most resembles a skeleton. I know I will.