Six LDS Writers and A Frog

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

All Because Two People Fell in Love

by Robison Wells

You'll have to forgive my absence yesterday. I was doing that thing with the guys at the place.

In other news, my wife, Erin, has a big Enrichment Night coming up, wherein all the women are making little crafty knick-knack things. Erin is not a crafty kind of person. It's not like she can't paint blocks of wood--it's that doing those kinds of things are kind of dumb. (Likewise, she has the philosophy that if a scrapbook page takes longer than about ten minutes to make, then you might as well flush your wasted life down the toilet.) (Also, when she reads this blog she'll likely tell me that I've grossly mischaracterized her homemaking ideologies. But, I claim freedom of the press.)

So, anyway, one of the items available for Enrichement Night is the infamous Painted Sign With Cheesy Aphorisms. If you don't live in Utah, you might not be familiar with these signs, but rest assured: they're the thing to have. Generally, they have appallingly sweet sayings (such as "All Because Two People Fell In Love..." or "Love Like There's No Tomorrow") and they're hung over the front door. Here are some examples of real signs, taken from actual stores on the internets.



If you couldn't tell, I don't like these things. I mean, I don't hate them--I just think they're dumb. If you have one of these things in your house, I'm not questioning your taste or style. I'm just saying that these things are cheesy and I don't want one.

However! Erin said that the signs at Enrichment Night don't come with stenciled quotes on them already--you make put ANY quote on them! And, as we sat around the kitchen table, she and I came up with quite a few ideas that are vastly superior to "Earth Laughs In Flowers".

For example, imagine your stylishly decorated Ivory Home in American Fork, and above the door a sign proudly declares:


A few of my other favorites. Such as Salvador Dali:


Or Mick Jagger:


Or, everyone's favorite little dictator, Hitler!


Or, the classic line from Fight Club:


Karl Marx!


Or, my favorite of all, Che Guevara:



I think any of these signs would be a fine addition to Mormon tract home. I'm currently in communication with a factory in Malaysia, and these signs will soon be available in a store near you!


22 Comments:

At 10/01/2008 11:54 AM, Blogger erin said...

Actually I like painting blocks of wood but my views on scrapbooking are spot on.

I love the quote from Hitler. Boy, that would encourage Holly.

 
At 10/01/2008 12:04 PM, Blogger Charlie Moore said...

Rob,

Your wife, Erin, sounds like my wife, Teresa. Not really into the scrapbooking thing (although our daughter loves it). Now all you have to do is mention that your wife is a total perfectionist and I'll be happy to introduce her to twin living with me up here in Idaho.

Charlie

 
At 10/01/2008 12:09 PM, Blogger Stephanie Black said...

Ha ha ha! Once you start your sign factory, let me know. Now I know what to get my siblings for Christmas!

 
At 10/01/2008 12:34 PM, Blogger Evil HR Lady said...

I actually have to buy a present for Stephanie for Christmas, so, I need to place my order now.

 
At 10/01/2008 12:38 PM, Blogger McConkie Family said...

I love your signs! I am so sick of seeing all those super-cheesy-make-me-want-to-gag signs. And I agree with Erin on scrapbooking.

 
At 10/01/2008 1:06 PM, Blogger Utahdoula said...

The one I have hanging in my home was a gift from my mom, and I like it:
"Ask not what mom can do for you
Ask what you can do for mom."
Sadly, it doesn't work.

 
At 10/01/2008 1:41 PM, Blogger Melanie J said...

I don't hate crafts. Just making them. And only because I'm bad at it. Which is why my sign will be a sadly askew marks-a-lot-ed variation of "The No Craft Zone". Probably on a background so splotchy, it looks aglae infested.

 
At 10/01/2008 1:43 PM, Blogger Matthew Buckley said...

Holy crap. Wells, you've struck gold, baby!

Put me down for 1...of each.

No, seriously. I want them all.

I'm going to the next relief society craft night.

 
At 10/01/2008 1:59 PM, Blogger Lindzee said...

haha! I'm going to suggest to Seagull they stop carrying the signs that say "all because two people fell in love" and "thank heaven for little boys/girls" and start carrying yours! We'd enjoy receiving inventory MUCH more if we were receiving your signs.

 
At 10/01/2008 2:39 PM, Blogger Allison Hill said...

Please please please tell me you're giving me one of those signs for Christmas!!! Those dumb things are all over ohio too and I can't stand them...especially the one that says, "Always kiss me goodnight" they have pillowcases that say that too! It makes me want to slap someone. But I would proudly display a Rob Wells original in any/all rooms in my house.

And I am so totally with Erin on this one, I like to paint blocks of wood (and I'm bummed my RS isn't doing that this year) but scrapbooking inspires feelings of rage that bubble up and explode all over the pinking shears.

 
At 10/01/2008 2:58 PM, Blogger Heather B. Moore said...

Funny ;) I'll take the "Question Authority" one. I think you found a way to pay off that KIA.

 
At 10/01/2008 3:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm trying really hard not to be offended by this, since I am a crafter and yes, a scrapbooker too - but just to show I'm a good sport, I'll offer a few other suggestions that I read in one of those annoying forwarded e-mails...

1) Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

2) If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

3) If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

...and one I should really learn to live by:

4) A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Pat

 
At 10/02/2008 2:53 PM, Blogger Karlene said...

I want one that says:

I don't care how Martha does it.

 
At 10/02/2008 5:20 PM, Blogger Kurt P. Leffler said...

Well spoken. One of my favorite aphorism reads "crush your enemies and destroy those who would oppress you." Sounds a bit militant, but as long as the crushing and destroying is done with love in your heart, I suppose it's ok.

 
At 10/04/2008 3:06 PM, Blogger Jennie-O said...

The Office has some great quotes that would make wonderful signs may we suggest a few:

1."Go get yourselft a monkey kidney"
2."One word, two syllables, demarcation"
3."That's a safety hazard, I could trip and puncture an organ"
4. "Use the force, Luke"-Star wars
5."Abraham Lincoln once said that 'If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North'
6.
"

 
At 10/04/2008 6:03 PM, Blogger Melinda said...

The cute vinyl sign in my house says: "Great Salt Lake Whale Watching Society; 158 years and still looking".

It takes people a second to process that one.

 
At 10/04/2008 7:09 PM, Blogger christina pettit said...

Rob,
I want one of your signs for my faculty room . . . oddly, I'll take the Hitler and the fight club signs. You should seriously look into this.
Christina

 
At 10/05/2008 6:53 PM, Blogger Jennifer Leffler said...

My favorite sign: "Kwitcherbelliakin". Don't understand it. Sound it out, out loud.

 
At 10/07/2008 4:04 PM, Blogger Mrs. Mordecai said...

Go you! I love your updated sayings.

 
At 10/08/2008 10:13 AM, Blogger Josi said...

First of all, I happen to really like the vinyl lettering sign things. Secondly, the Whitney committee is looking for auction donations, can I please beg you NOT to put any of these signs up for for auction? (in all actuality, they would probably earn us a fair amount of public attention so maybe it's worth a shot)

 
At 10/15/2008 11:37 AM, Blogger JustMe said...

I want one that says:

"WE DON'T CARE HOW YOU DO IT IN UTAH"

 
At 7/02/2011 5:50 PM, Blogger Graham Bradley said...

Why wait for the Malaysians? You can make one yourself here:

http://www.wallquotes.com/vinylletters/customvinyllettering.php

 

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