Six LDS Writers and A Frog

Friday, September 26, 2008

The Reports that The Frog Croaked Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

Thanks to Rob, you all know where I've been for the past week. (Too bad the Secret Service had to hack in to remove the pictures of me in the top secret reactor-thingie on the White Sands Missile Range. You'd have loved that!) To show my gratitude to Robbie for sharing such flattering candid shots, I searched high and low for just the right souvenir. At first I was torn between the classic rattlesnake-head-frozen-for-all-time-in-acrylic and the more trendy cow-plop-shaped-fudge in a designer box (I'm not making either of those things up, you know.) But since animal-rights activists are so against the former and Rob is pretty full of his own own you-know-what, I finally decided to ship him this distinctive New Mexican pet:

For those of you fortunate enough to live outside the Land of Enchantment, this is a vinegaroon. My mother-in-law swears that the bite of a vinegaroon will cause a person to taste vinegar for weeks afterwards. This may not be true, but BugGuide notes that “Although its tail is unable to sting, this creature can spray an acidic mist from a scent gland at the base of the tail when disturbed. The spray is 85% concentrated acetic acid/vinegar, hence the common name vinegaroon.” Now I ask you, how fun is that? Come to think of it, judging by some of his interviews, maybe Rob can to it, too. Talk about the perfect pet.

While we're on the subject of people missing in action, I was on a line the other day whereon a new reader of the Frog Blog commented that as far as she had seen, there is no Frog. I wrote immediately to correct her misconception and suggest that if she was still doubtful, she could write to the Amphibian himself. (In care of General Delivery, of course. He's like Santa Claus -- the post office always knows where to find him.) She took me up on the dare and was then kind (and creative!) enough to forward his reply:

An Open Letter from The Frog, courtesy of Deb Erfert

Let me begin by saying that I’m sorry I was away so long. I know I’ve been remiss in keeping up my end of the blog, but after the last Whitney fundraiser, I felt the need for a drastic change of scenery.

I have a cousin in Montevideo, Uruguay, and I thought I’d take him up on his invitation for some quiet time. Although I left in the spring, my cousin didn’t warn me that by the time I got down to South America it would be winter rather than summer. And it took time to get there. I mean, I can’t exactly hop onto an airplane and jet down. Security is unreasonably tight these days, and I need more than three ounces of water to sit in. Please don’t let this gross you out, but I breathe oxygen and drink water through my skin. I am Frog; Hear me ribbit.

My poor cousin didn’t know that some North American frogs can freeze solid as soon as the snow starts, and I’m afraid I frightened him. I certainly didn’t know that snow can fall any place that far south. I was sooo wrong. By the time the small river-fed pond (and my body) thawed, my cousin had long since gone, thinking me eternally dead. He was wrong, only I couldn’t tell him I was just hibernating until I found him, so I set out northward-bound.

My trek back to the States was interesting, to say the least. Really, it was fascinating. I didn’t know I have so many relations. At one point, somewhere in central Brazil, I had more cousins around me than at an Edson Whipple family reunion.

Rio really is a party town. Take this frog’s word for it.

Still, I couldn’t find the cousin I had frightened so badly. I pressed on.

Along the way I discovered hundreds, maybe even thousands of unclassified frogs. They were fellow amphibians that had never been photographed or painted by artists because they live in blissful obscurity in the rainforest. I almost didn’t leave them. Their lives were simply ideal...except for the fact they are at the bottom of a very long food chain.

I left posthaste.

As you can read, I finally made it back. I am tickled greener to hear that Julie finally had her baby girl, and that Sariah is blessed with growing a new tadpole. I am jumping for joy over Stephanie's next book and proud enough to croak over Jeff’s launch party and book tour. Glad to see Kerry is back in Arizona, and, Wells, if you can keep the rest of the elections as entertaining as your last two interviews, man, there will be no more apathy in America.

Let’s keep things jumping.

Like the rest of you, I've wondered where that guy hopped off to. Thanks, Deb, for the terrific update. You've won an autographed picture of The Frog (suitable for framing) and an absolutely stunning all-new-and-improved Fabulously Fun Frog Pack of you very own.

Now how about the rest of you? Inspired? Forward me any postcards, letters, telegrams, e-mails, photos or whatever you receive from our wandering frogger blogger. I will publish them in coming weeks and send you a Frog Pack to cherish forever.

Hey, it beats the vinegaroon I sent Rob!


At 9/26/2008 12:10 PM, Blogger Jennie said...

Once upon a time I received one of your fantastic Froggy packs. It included a little hoppy frog on a spring. I included it in the bag of surprises I took to DC to entertain my grandson on the long flight back to Salt Lake. He played with it for a long time, then it hopped off his tray and disappeared somewhere on the plane. It's probably still flying around the great blue. Who knew frogs were such vagabonds!

At 9/26/2008 12:28 PM, Blogger Just_Me said...

Remind me to never ask you for a pet...

At 9/26/2008 1:33 PM, Blogger RobisonWells said...

Yuck. Until now, I thought the worst critter in New Mexico was the Tarantula Hawk. I have been grossly misinformed.

How long can a vinegaroon live in the mailbox? Because that's how long it will be before I go out there again.

At 9/26/2008 1:55 PM, Blogger Cheri J. Crane said...

Hilarious blog, Kerry. =) Welcome back. And I'm very grateful Idaho is too cold for creatures like Rob's new pet. ;)

At 9/26/2008 2:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ick! That is the most disgusting creature I have ever seen! Glad it's going to Rob's house and not mine!

So glad to know that you and the frog are both alive and well, and safely home from your travels.
Rest well.


At 9/26/2008 2:47 PM, Blogger Sandra said...

Having grown up in The Land of Enchantment I can personally tell you that you will not soon forget the smell of a vinegaroon. Have fun at the post office, Rob

At 9/26/2008 5:52 PM, Anonymous The Wandering Frog said...

My profuse apologies, dear readers, for not getting in touch more often. But have you any idea how long it takes to translate word by word from Froggish to English? The word profuse alone took me a good half hour.

In fact, I feel my energy levels plummeting. Please send flies and other such sustenance with all future correspondences.

At 9/26/2008 5:54 PM, Blogger Kimberly said...

Haven't been here for awhile and my, what a delightful post to be greeted with upon my return.

The giggles may well carry me through the remainder of the day.

At 9/26/2008 6:24 PM, Blogger Lisa Anne said...

Discusting bug (um, where can I get one?) Good luck, Rob.


Post a Comment

<< Home