Six LDS Writers and A Frog

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Face Off

by Robison Wells

As you'll no doubt recall, last week we featured an interview with the charming Sarah Palin, and I made the ludicrous claim that I'd interview the other candidates for the next three weeks. This is because I foolishly forgot that I have the attention span of a two year old high on meth.

However, lest any of you think that I'm partisan and that I only want to interview Sarah Palin, I thought that I'd sponsor a debate today between the two main candidates: Barack Obama, and John "The Fastest Man in Japan" McCain. Hopefully we'll get the heart of some really pressing issues.

(Yes, using this method will ignore Joe Biden, but seriously: who cares?)

Rob: Thank you both for coming today. Allow me first to say that I'm Independent and you both annoy me.

McCain: You're a man after my own heart.

Obama: I want you to know that I annoy me, too. I'd also be an Independent, if I weren't a Democrat.

Rob: Shut up, both of you. My first question is for McCain. You're from Arizona--isn't that a crazy state where people don't follow Daylight Saving Time?

McCain: Yes.

Rob: What's up with that? Are you cuckoo crazy?

McCain: It has to do with how hellishly hot it is down there. If we had an extra hour of daylight we'd all be consumed in a ball of atomic fire.

Rob: Obama? Rebuttal?

Obama: I think... I'll agree.

Rob: Circle gets the square!

McCain: Dang it.

Rob: Okay, Senator Obama: you were born in Hawaii, and then you moved to Kansas. Why the crap?

Obama: Kansas is the heartland, and it's a really lovely state. From the world's largest hand-dug well to the the boyhood home of Dwight D. Eisenhower, Kansas offer much to be enjoyed.

Rob: Senator McCain?

McCain: I'm going to have to disagree.

Rob: X gets the square! We're all tied up. Next question for you, McCain: you've often been called a maverick. Do you think that you are more like Maverick, as in the Mel Gibson movie, or Maverick, the nickname of Tom Cruise in Top Gun.

McCain: Well, I think that I'm more like Tom Cruise. I was, after all, a pilot in the navy.

Obama: I'm going to disagree.

Rob: Senator Obama is correct. It was a trick question--the correct answer is McCain is most like Maverick Matt, the professional wrestler. Circle gets the square.

McCain: I am known for my signature Superkick.

Rob: Yes, you are. Now, Mr. Obama, the Global Language Monitor has identified several new words derived from your name, such as obamamentum, obamacize, obamarama, obamamania, etc. My question is: what is the definition of obamarama?

Obama: Oh, that's easy. It's like that restaurant, Chuck-a-rama, except that I own the franchise and I treat customers to guitar serenades while they eat.

Rob: McCain.

McCain: That's a hard one... I think... agree?

Rob: Once again, you are correct. Senator Obama does in fact own a small chain of smorgasbord-style restaurants!

McCain: Sweet! [Does a little air guitar.]

Rob: Alright, the next question is for you, Senator Obama. Let me remind you that the score is currently tied, and whoever gets this one correct is the winner. Also, this is today's Secret Square, and the winner will also receive an all-expense-paid trip to Puerto Rico!

McCain: Awesome!

Obama: You're going down, old man.

McCain: In your dreams, punk.

Rob: Okay. For the win, and five days and four nights on the sunny beaches of Caja de Muertos, the question is: which American Gladiator competed in the original series, provided color commentary during the final season, and is a producer on the new revival.

Obama: That is a very difficult question.

McCain: Can't take the heat, get out of the Battle Dome!

Obama: No, I believe I know the answer. It was, I believe, Laser.

Rob: Senator McCain? Was it Laser?

McCain: Too bad for Obama, but I'm something of a Gladiators aficianado. I'm going to have to disagree.

Rob: Is that your final answer?

McCain: Final answer.

Rob: And the correct answer is... Nitro! John McCain is the winner! You're on your way to sunny Puerto Rico!

McCain: Don't mess with the best, 'cause the best don't mess.

Obama: Puerto Rico sucks. I didn't want to go there anyway.

Rob: Well, that's all we have time for tonight. Thanks everyone, and good luck in November!

[McCain pretends to shake Obama's hand, but then quickly moves his hand out of the way and brushes his hair. Obama throws a punch, and then the riot squad moves in with tear gas.]


At 9/16/2008 3:03 PM, Blogger Melanie J said...

If only...

I am a coveted swing voter. I mean, I don't know if I'm actually coveted but I've decided to label myself so. And the truth is, seeing McCain do a Superkick and air guitar might be what it takes to swing me his way.

Although the constant confusion with time and what not when trying to reach my cousin in Arizona annoys me. On the grounds that McCain should do something about that, maybe I'm swinging back the other way.

You know what? I'm voting for a round of Atlas Sphere to settle this thing.

At 9/16/2008 4:01 PM, Blogger Jennie said...

I just have one question,Rob? Why do people think Obama is a great orator? He stutters,stammers,looks totally confused, then goes into a revivalist preacher style tirade I wouldn't call great oration though evidently a lot of people think there's something wonderful about it. Of course I'd never vote for or against someone just because his speaking style annoys me, but I get depressed thinking I might have to listen to melodramatic pronouncements for four more years.

At 9/16/2008 4:02 PM, Blogger Just_Me said...

If only....

A riot would be so much more entertaining than the current production.

I think I'll write in a vote for Snoopy, at least he understands it's all about dinner time!

At 9/16/2008 4:15 PM, Blogger Kelsi Rose said...

At least we Arizonans don't have to mess with our clocks. Having lived in places where I have had to change my clock, the extra hour we "get" is not worth the hour we "loose". Of course, I think the whole planet should convert to Zulu time and it would save everyone the headache.

Rob, your interviews are just proving out that we should scrap this election and start over.

At 9/16/2008 7:00 PM, Blogger Matthew Buckley said...

I'm with Arizona. I hate daylight savings time. If McCain brings us that, I'll vote for him...

So, next week...Bob Bar and Ron Paul? Come on, I know you have their pictures hung up in your locker.

At 9/16/2008 7:42 PM, Anonymous mean aunt said...

Ha! We don't have daylight savings time so we don't have to try and explain to our toddlers that even though it doesn't feel like bedtime, it is.

Also, I would like to nominate, "Shut up, both of you." To be the new theme of this election.

At 9/17/2008 10:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Frankly, I wish there were another choice - Rob, have you considered running?


At 9/17/2008 10:30 AM, Blogger RobisonWells said...

Jennie: he generally sounds really good when he's given a prepared speech than when he's just talking. But still, I agree. (Maybe he justs sounds like a good speaker by comparison? I mean, he's not great but he's lightyears ahead of McCain when it comes to public speaking.)

Kelsi and Mean Aunt: I honestly don't understand people who complain about daylight savings time. I've lived in both normal states and Wacko Arizona, and I don't think I really noticed a difference. I think you all just like to whine.

Pat: if I were to run, my campaign slogan would be "Quit your whining."

Matthew: I wouldn't dream of interviewing Ron Paul and Bob Barr, because I'd hate for someone to get the impression that I thought either of them were absolutely, completely bat-crap crazy. :)

At 9/17/2008 7:36 PM, Blogger Nancy Campbell Allen said...

I am laughing! Thank you so much,Rob. That was awesome.

At 9/24/2008 1:51 PM, Blogger Tristi Pinkston said...

This will be a very interesting election.


Post a Comment

<< Home