Sarah Palin Speaks!

by Robison Wells

We at the Frog Blog have decided that the public wants its politics right now, and who are we to fight it? So, without further ado, we present the first in a series of interviews with the candidates. Today's interview is with none other than Sarah Palin, the newly appointed Republican candidate for vice president.

I had the chance to sit down with Sarah shortly after the convention in St. Paul, Minnesota. We went to a lovely little seafood place in the Minnetonka Park; I had the crab cake sandwich and Sarah had the crawfish po' boy.

Rob: Sarah Palin! I'd like to thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to meet with me. I know that your constituents--or, at least, the seven of them that read the Frog Blog--will be very pleased.

Sarah: No problem. John McCain and I have been targeting the LDS aspiring authors segment pretty hard this last week. It was only natural that I'd come.

Rob: Let me assure you that at least some of our readers will probably vote in the election, or at least think about it. And you can take that to the bank.

Sarah: I knew I could count on you.

Rob: So, let's get down to brass tacks. I understand that when you were a basketball player in high school you had the nickname Sarah Barracuda.

Sarah: You are correct, sir.

Rob: That's too bad, because I'd have preferred they call you "The Alaskan Assassin".

Sarah: That's what I wanted, too, but it was already taken by Trajan Langdon. He played for Duke.

Rob: That's lame. Trajan isn't even a real name--he shouldn't have a nickname.

Sarah: Other nicknames I wanted but were already taken: The Baron of the Bluegrass, The Dunking Dutchman, The Croatian Sensation, Gentleman Joe, and The Polish Powderkeg.

Rob: Not only were those already taken, but The Polish Powderkeg plays football, not basketball. He's a kicker for the Raiders.

Sarah: Whatever.

Rob: Anyway, the point is: Obama plays basketball, too, so I was thinking that you and he could play and let that decide the race.

Sarah: And McCain and Biden would watch?

Rob: They'd play horseshoes, or something. But seriously, if McCain had a nickname, what would it be?

Sarah: Either "Huntington Beach Bad Boy" or "The Fastest Man in Japan".

Rob: I hereby declare he is now John "The Fastest Man in Japan" McCain.

Sarah: Done.

Rob: So, the real question is this: I hear that you were once somehow affiliated with the Alaskan Crazy Person Party.

Sarah: The Libertarians?

Rob and Sarah: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Sarah: Libertarians!

Rob: What a bunch of nutjobs!

Sarah: Oh my. [Laughter] Pardon me. No, I assume you mean the Alaskan Independence Party?

Rob: Yes, I do.

Sarah: No, I wasn't a member. But not because I disagreed with them, but because they didn't take things far enough. They claim that the vote to make Alaska a state was illegal.

Rob: And that's not far enough?

Sarah: Not nearly. I claim that the transaction purchasing Alaska from the Russians wasn't legitimate.

Rob: ...so, you think Alaska should be Russian?

Sarah: Of course. But the good kind of Russians, not the bad. We just want all our women to be gymnasts and all our men to do that dance where they're squatting and kicking their legs out.

Rob: But not the crappy, kill 50 million of your own people stuff?

Sarah: Well, not much of that.

Rob: Great. So, what other political positions are important to you?

Sarah: Waffles. I really like waffles.

Rob: I like waffles, too.

Sarah: No, I mean I'm a firm supporter of waffle rights, like a "You can pry this waffle out of my cold dead hands" kind of thing.

Rob: Wow.

Sarah: I also want to declare war on Madagascar. Just because it'd be easy, and we need a good blowout victory to build morale in the military.

Rob: Indeed. In other news, there have been many complaints that you're too inexperienced to be Vice President. After all, you're only the governor in Alaska, and that's not even a real place. It's like being mayor of McDonaldland.

Sarah: I am happy to report that Alaska has had no incidents of hamburger theft. Can Mayor McCheese say that?

Rob: Wikipedia reports that he is "giggly, bumbling and somewhat incompetent".

Sarah: No one has ever said that about me.

Rob: So what have you accomplished in Alaska?

Sarah: Tons. Like, I'll bet you didn't know that the state insect is the Four-Spot Skimmer Dragonfly. And, sometimes we ride dogsleds.

Rob: That's an impressive resume, indeed.

Sarah: And we've been implanting microchips in the necks of school children.

Rob: What?

Sarah: What?

Rob: You just said--

Sarah: Let's talk about you for a minute.

Rob: But, didn't you just say--

Sarah: Well, I gotta run. Remember: you can't spell "Sarah Palin thinks America is awesome" without "Sarah Palin"!

Rob: Okay, I guess.

Sarah: Thanks.

Rob: But--

Sarah: Bye!