Guest Interview: JK Rowling

Interviewer: Robison Wells

As you know, I work tirelessly to bring you the very best blog possible every single week. I'm servant to your every bidding, and tirelessly strive to please. And, since all you guys have been talking about lately is Harry Potter, I pulled a few strings and managed to secure an interview with none other than J.K. Rowling.

To better set the scene, picture this interview taking place in the lavish confines of Marriott West India Quay hotel, less than one hundred meters from London's Canary Wharf. She's sitting in a high-back leather chair and dining on monkfish ceviche, while I'm sampling the hearts of palm. You can smell the coriander, I'm sure.

Rob Wells: So, Harry Potter, huh?

JK Rowling: Yep.

RW: That's gotta be pretty awesome.

JKR: Well, you know how it is.

RW: Don't I ever! So, tell me: the final book is out and it's selling like crack cocaine in the broom closet of a rehab clinic. What's your secret?

JKR: Seriously, Rob--you don't mind that I call you Rob?

RW: Not at all.

JKR: Seriously, Rob, I get a little tired of those questions. I mean, I have a life outside of Harry Potter, you know.

RW: I see. So, what else have you been up to?

JKR: I do a lot of water skiing. And I'm learning macrame. It's not all knot-tying, you know. There's an art to it. I also like to spend time with the family.

RW: Fantastic. Now, enough of that crap. Let's talk about Harry Potter.

JKR: Fine. [JK Rowling finishes her ceviche and moves on to a selection of sashimi.

RW: You sure like your uncooked fish, JK Rowling. So, a lot of people--Christian fundamentalists, for example--have said that your books are leading our children down to hell. What say you?

JKR: It's true. Years ago I sat down with Mick Jagger--he lives here in England, too, so we run into each other, like, all the time--and we conspired to corrupt the youth. He does it with loud music and an unnaturally large mouth, and I do it with wizards and off-putting swear words.

RW: That brings up an interesting question, JK. Everyone seems to be talking about how your books are getting darker. How do you justify that in a kids book?

JKR: Really? Who's been saying that?

RW: Like, everybody? I thought that was just a given.

JKR: Have you even read the first book? There was the Dark Lord on the back of some guy's head, for crying out loud. On the back of his head! That's some dang freaky crap, right there.

RW: But, in book four don't they have some weird ritual and actually use some of Harry Potter's blood in an evil ceremony? That seems awfully dark.

JKR: Oh, baloney. They didn't really use his blood. That was all symbolic.

RW: Symbolic of what?

JKR: I don't know, the alienation of man against nature, or whatever. Can we move on to the next question?

RW: Surely. I heard recently that you're richer than the queen.

JKR: True.

RW: How has that affected you? Is it harder to write about the Weasleys now that you could buy and sell their butts?

JKR: I don't feel like it's changed me. My assistants still dress me in my Oscar de la Renta tweed trousers one leg at a time--the same as everyone else. [JKR uses a one hundred pound note as a napkin, then lights it on fire.]

RW: So, do you have any great spoilers for us about Book Seven?

JKR: You know, it came out ten days ago.

RW: [Laughing] Oh, I never have time to read. You know how it is.

JKR: I suppose...

RW: What about after the book? This will be your last Harry Potter, right?

JKR: Yes.

RW: So what happens when they all grow up?

JKR: You really want to know?

RW: I really want to know.

JKR: Harry joins the Royal Marines, and cleans up the Iraq situation with a few well-placed Avada Kedavras.

RW: Seriously?

JKR: He teams up with Superman.

RW: Wait a minute...

JKR: Are we done yet?

RW: Apparently so.

So, thanks again to JK Rowling! We here at Six LDS Writers want to offer her best wishes with her little book thing. Her stick-to-it-iveness and struggle is an inspiration to us all. See you next week!