Six LDS Writers and A Frog

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Sink Me

by Robison Wells

Last night I watched The Scarlet Pimpernel with my wife. (It was because it was her birthday. I don't want to give the impression that I watch these kinds of things under normal circumstances.) Aside from the general silliness of the movie, and laughing as Magneto gets his comeuppance from a British dandy, I also noticed how the movie is essentially a backwards version of Robin Hood: The Scarlet Pimpernel rescues the very rich from the hands of the poor. And after fleeing the city gates with a few smuggled French elite, he meets up in the forest with his band of Merry Aristocrats. All I have to say is thank goodness for the 1980's and its reminder that the wealthy are awesome.

Another item related to Erin's birthday is that she and I went to dinner. If you're familiar with my unemployment, you might ask how such a thing was possible. We are, after all, so poor that at any given time we're only a hair's breadth away from beheading a French property owner. The answer is: we were using a coupon, and someone gave us some money. (Robin Hood.)

This is kind of a big deal for me, since I have a policy that I don't use coupon at sit-down restaurants. My reason is simple: I'm not one of those people. (Because, really, don't the poor people make you a little sick? I mean, have you ever been to the homeless shelter? What a bunch of Gloomy Gusses.)

Anyway, we arrived at the restaurant and thought that it must be closed; there was no one in the parking lot. Yes, we were a little early for dinner, but shouldn't there have at least been the cars belonging to the staff? Well, the staff must ride the bus (I hate that kind of people, too) because the restaurant actually was open. The sole employee there showed us to a table, and as we read through the menu, we saw more waiters and cooks wander in, preparing for their shift. We ate happily, in an empty dining room, and just as we were getting our dessert a few old people showed up for dinner. So, yes, we were early enough that we got there before even the old people.

I like to blame our habit of eating early on the fact that my wife was raised by old people. Her (my wife's) favorite music is from the forties and fifties, the era of Nat King Cole, Perry Como and Johnny Mathis. Her favorite foods are tomato aspic, creamed oysters, and puffed rice. Her favorite boxers are Rocky Graziano and Jersey Joe Walcott. (I may have made up some or all of the preceding information.)

I also like to blame our kids for our early eating habits. If the kids aren't fed, bathed, and tucked into bed before 7:00pm, then I get all jittery.

But, no, the truth is that I just like to eat, and as soon as you could rationally justify dinner--even though it may be a little early--then you might as well dive on in. (On a related note, ever since I had a call-center job with a weird shift, 13 years ago, I've always considered 10:30am to be lunch time. Could this account for why I drink Coke for breakfast? I don't know.)

The point is this: it was my wife's birthday yesterday, and in lieu of gifts you can send cash. It's not easy being poor--on top of not having any money we're always having to watch our backs for that danged Scarlet Pimpernel.


At 7/28/2009 4:23 PM, Blogger Micah Bruner said...

Sure, you're watching your back for him today, but a year after you get your first job and are making some serious dough, you'll be the first to greet him with open arms.

At 7/28/2009 4:28 PM, Blogger Annette Lyon said...

You KNOW you liked the movie. Admit it already, Wells. After all, you write ROMANCE.

And I really hope that Erin grew up listening to Nat King Cole and the like. I did, because my dad is from that generation. So if she did, she's a cooler person than she was before. I hope you weren't lying. Again.

At 7/28/2009 4:56 PM, Blogger Jon Spell said...

My wife is dying to go see Scarlet Pimpernel when it comes to the Hale. I think I saw the movie a while back, but it didn't make much of an impression on me. Unlike, say, Zorro, the Gay Blade. "Two bits, four bits, six bits, a peso. All for Zorro, stand up and say so!"

If I knew where you lived, I might be tempted to air drop a case of Coke for you. ;)

At 7/28/2009 5:20 PM, Blogger J Scott Savage said...


How could you title a blog "Sink Me" after your last two posts and not have it incude a picture of your boat on fire slowly slipping into the Great Salt Lake. You disappoint me, my fiend!

At 7/28/2009 6:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where's the tale of Captain Wells scuttling his ship in port south temple and two hundred east? Were you the one disguised as a bar maid in a white dress with red trim? I was the one laying in wait in the lawn chair next to Elder Eyring, waving my hook arm and screaming, "Imposter. Its not built to code. Its orange foam. Can't you see it. Its all foam," until security escorted me off by way of the sewer tunnel that comes above ground in the middle of the church garden reflecting pool which is likely more sea voyage than anything you've taken in your unemployed life.

Argh! Keep to the code, Wells. No more foam.

At 7/28/2009 7:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is so funny, Anon. I thought the code was more of a ... suggestion.

At 7/28/2009 7:40 PM, Blogger L.T. Elliot said...

I'm all for the Scarlet Pimpernell. That Anthony Andrews makes a fine "Aristo Robin Hood." And you write Romance? Really? How cool is that?
And J. Scott's comment was dead on! Where's that sinking ship?

At 7/28/2009 10:47 PM, Blogger Josi said...

I was so scared you were going to be REALLY insulting of Percy and then I would have to hate you forever--which I'd rather not do. I didn't know it was coming to Hale--I've got to be there!

Coupons Rock!

At 7/29/2009 10:00 PM, Blogger Julie Wright said...

Yeah Wells, I am on that same sinking boat looking over my shoulder for that danged (but incredibly hot) Percy. Glad you got dinner. I am in favor of food. Food is awesome no matter what the time of day.

At 7/30/2009 5:23 PM, Blogger Heather B. Moore said...

Ahh.. the days when my kids were in bed by 7:00-7:30 p.m. No more. The other night I yelled down the stairs at 10:30 p.m. and said that I was going to bed and nobody better wake me up. (lest you think I'm a terrible mother, my 5 and 9 year old were in bed, but my teenagers and my husband are a different matter).

At 7/30/2009 5:24 PM, Blogger Heather B. Moore said...

Oh yeah, Rob. Your boat float was on the cover of the Deseret News last weekend(in the background, but it was still very visible).

At 7/31/2009 12:20 PM, Blogger RobisonWells said...

Annette: yes, the stuff about Erin's music tastes is true. And, yes, she's very cool.

Jeff (and others): sorry that I didn't mention the float. If you want to see pictures of it in all it's radiant glory you can go over to my wife's blog:

Heather: thanks for the tip about the newspaper!

At 7/31/2009 8:11 PM, Blogger Annette Lyon said...

I've known Erin was cool for a long time.

This just makes her UBER cool.

At 8/03/2009 4:44 AM, Anonymous acesoftech said...

Nice Blog. i liked it.

At 6/10/2011 9:09 AM, Anonymous domain registration india said...

after read your post i thing don't need watch this movie, because everything you did explained clearly, but what will happen when i started to read your post it will goes very interesting, so i cant stop the reading.


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