The Great Debate

by Robison Wells

As you know, I didn't blog last week. I was away from the daily grind, cloistered in my hermitage and contemplating the course of my life. After much introspection, I have come to a decision: I'd like to declare my candidacy!

Now, I know what you're thinking: the campaign trail can be difficult; it can chew you up and spit you out. It can destroy a young, innocent idealist like me and turn him into an embittered, cantankerous old man.

And, speaking of embittered, cantankerous old men, I'd like to talk a bit about my opponent: Jeff Savage.

Sure, Jeff has been a fine example of virtuous public service (if you consider sloth and avarice to be virtues). But I say that it's time for a change. The people want change, Jeff Savage, and it's high time you delivered! Don't let the door hit you in the backside on your way out.

Jeff has kindly agreed to a debate, and I've asked none other than George Stephanopolous to moderate.

GEORGE: I'd like to welcome both of you candidates here tonight. It's great to have Mr. Wells here--he's a breath of fresh air. And it's nice that Mr. Savage hasn't yet been seen taking any bribes or verbally abusing his staff tonight. We'll start off with opening statements. Mr Wells?

ROB: My fellow Americans, have you ever thought about how great America is? It's pretty great. We have purple mountains majesty above our fruited plains. I think I can conclusively say that, weighing the evidence and keeping all the important factors in mind, America is rad.

JEFF: Here's the thing that I love about America: its food. From the glory of the Philly Cheesesteak to the Coney Island hot dogs to that place in Cincinnati where they put chili on spaghetti.

GEORGE: I'll direct my first question at you, Mr. Savage. It has been said that you're going to change your name from Jeff Savage to J. Scott Savage. Why is this?

JEFF: It's very simple, really. I've discovered that a certain air of regalness is bestowed upon a person who uses an initial and a middle name. For example: F. Scott Fitzgerald. No one liked him back when he was just Francis.

ROB: No one likes him now, either. I mean, The Great Gatsby? More like The Great Crapsby! Am I right George? Am I right?

GEORGE: When you're right you're right, Rob!

ROB: But seriously, folks. According to some baby name website which I just googled, "Jeff" means "peaceful pledge". On the other hand, "Scott" means "From Scotland". In other words, Jeff is not only giving up his pledge to peace, but he's now claiming heritage in some country other than America!

GEORGE: Jeff, do you hate America?

JEFF: No, no, no. You misunderstand me. I never said I hate America. I said that America is kind of awkward at parties and doesn't know how to dance.

GEORGE: And Scotland does know how to dance?

JEFF: Oh yes.

GEORGE: The next question is for Rob. Mr. Wells, it has been said that it would be difficult for a man as attractive as you to serve in public office. How do you respond to that accusation?

ROB: Well, I think I'll turn this question over to Jeff. Jeff, what do you think?

JEFF: Uh...Do I think you're too attractive to serve in public office? Well...

ROB: It appears as though my opponent has a difficult time expressing his thoughts.

GEORGE: Perhaps it's because you're such an attractive man.

ROB: Oh, George! Stop it.

GEORGE: Just sayin'. Anyway, my next question is for Jeff. What's the deal with your next book? Farworld? As in, not America? Seriously, what's the deal?

JEFF: It's metaphor. See, the kid in the wheelchair represents how we in America are crippled by our dependence on foreign oil, and the Water Elemental represents global warming, and the Dark Circle is WalMart.

ROB: Yeah, and the four elements (Water, Air, Land, and Fire) have to work together to defeat the bad guys? Sounds to me like you're a lover of the United Nations.

JEFF: I never said that.

ROB: Also, the first line of the novel mentions an Ishkabiddle. If you rearrange the letters, that spells "communism".

GEORGE: He has a good point there, Jeff.

JEFF: I-- What? Really?

GEORGE: I just unscrambled it here on my paper. I'll show you after the debate.

JEFF: Wow.

GEORGE: I think we have time for a few more questions. Rob, you said once that you don't like baseball. But isn't baseball as American as apple pie?

ROB: I don't like apple pie either, George, unless it has a whole lot of whipped cream on it. But does that mean that I don't like America? Certainly not. It means that I like America better with whipped cream.

GEORGE: Jeff? Rebuttal?

JEFF: How am I supposed to rebutt that?

ROB: Game, set, match.

JEFF: What?

GEORGE: Last question for you, Jeff: why do you keep ignoring the substantive issues? In this debate you haven't mentioned healthcare, defense, Iraq, immigration, Social Security, or judicial activism. Why so silent?

JEFF: You didn't ask me about those things.

ROB: "He that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant."

GEORGE: My feelings exactly, Rob.

JEFF: This all seems a little biased. George.

GEORGE: Your mom seems a little biased, Jeff. Time for closing statements. In haiku, if possible. Jeff?

JEFF:
America, a
vote for me is a vote for
no SASEs

ROB:
This land is your land
This land is my land, from Ca
Lifornia to Maine

GEORGE: I look forward to election day.