Six LDS Writers and A Frog

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

2007 SixLDSWriters Christmas Letter

by Robison Wells

Season’s Greetings from the Six LDS Writers Gang!

Dear _________,

It’s that time of year again! Time to pull out the old pen and paper and type up the family Christmas letter! It’s hard to believe that it’s been almost a year since last year’s Christmas party—Sariah’s almost fully healed now (physically), and that spot on the carpet is fading more and more every day. Pretty soon it’ll all be just another Christmas memory from days of yore!!!

Little Jeffie’s doing great in school. His teacher says that’s he’s improving every day and she’s hopeful that he’ll be able to say his r’s soon. Jeff is just such a precious little Spirit. (I know that some people, who shall remain nameless, have said some very-not-nice things about Jeffie lately. First, we’ll never know who set that fire in the Johnson’s garage. They’re never cleaning up their dirty rags, and frankly I wouldn’t be surprised if they burned it down just for the insurance money. Jeff was only walking down that street carrying a gas can because he was helping some stranded driver. And the matches in his pocket were just in case that driver was jonesing for a cigarette. It’s only neighborly. Second, a lot of kids go through an acquisition phase. Calling it "shoplifting" makes it sound so criminal. I wish that the Albertson’s would learn the true meaning of Christmas and FORGIVE.) So, anyway, Jeffie’s doing great.

Julie’s our pride and joy. She was just elected to be the assistant vice-chairperson of her junior high newsletter. She hasn’t had any articles published yet, but that’s just because it’s VERY political and the teacher doesn’t like her because she’s jealous of Julie’s natural beauty. (I wrote a letter to the school board about that teacher. I think that she drinks on the job sometimes.) Anyway, Julie’s working on this great story about how the cafeteria smells bad. I submitted some of Julie’s poetry to the local paper, too, and I got back a very kind letter from the editor saying that Julie’s poem was really amazing, but that they couldn’t publish it because the paper doesn’t publish poems. (Maybe that’s why everyone is reading their newspapers online these days, Mr. Editor!)

Kerry’s our little cheerleader. She didn’t actually make the squad, because there was a cap (budget, I think) and they could only take eighteen girls. So Kerry’s made her own uniform—-she’s an ace at home ec!—-and stands behind the girls and does the routine with them. I think she gets the most cheers of all. But do you want to know something that makes me so mad? It seems like, these days, anyone can get a restraining order for any reason at all. I wrote a letter to my congressman about it, and you should too. “Egregious and repeated harassment and breach of privacy?” What is that? Sounds like the head cheerleader’s dad has too much money to spend on lawyers. Maybe if he donated some of it to the school they could increase the cheerleading budget and add a few more deserving girls!

Sariah’s the newlywed, and we couldn’t be prouder. As you know, she got married back in August to a nice boy from Texas. (If you remember my letter from last Christmas, I’m not talking about that guy from San Antonio—this guy’s from Amarillo. You might be getting confused because her husband works the drive-through window at Wendy’s, and her boyfriend from Idaho worked the drive-through at Carl’s Jr—she met them both while buying fries! Isn’t it romantic? But the Idaho boy was after the boy from Amarillo, but before the boy from Laramie. Then there was the boy from Reno, but DON’T get me started about him.) Anyway, they have a cute little apartment that they share with his mother and all her dogs. Sariah says it’s just like Little House on the Prairie, except with more fleas and daytime TV.

Stephanie still lives at home, of course, and she has all sorts of fun at the singles ward. Earlier this year the bishop tried to get her to move to one of those older singles wards, but we talked him out of it. Those people are all weird—definitely not marriage material. Anyway, Stephanie keeps busy with conventions and needlepoint. Do you remember that old Beauty and the Beast TV show from the 80’s? You know, the one with the girl from the Terminator movies? Well, they have conventions for it, and you should see the great cross-stitched art that Stephanie enters in the contests. She got an honorable mention this year.

And me? Well, I just keep busy with my stories. I’m LOVING the internet. It’s just forward, forward, forward all day long. I get the funniest jokes sometimes. There was this one about a lawyer: Why do lawyers show their diplomas instead of passports? I can’t remember the punch line just now, but I think it has something to do with the government. Speaking of which, I wish they’d lighten up a bit. I mean, I’ve heard some silly laws before, but now we’re not supposed to cook crystal meth? News to me! I can only hope that the so-called “law enforcement” never come by the house on a Friday night!!! Anyway, life’s crazy and if I live to be 100 I’ll never figure it out.

I hope your Christmas is as merry as ours will be! Drop by for a slice of pie, a baggie of blue belly, or if you need to borrow a fire extinguisher—I bought two, just in case!

Merry Christmas!

Rob Wells and all the gang


At 12/04/2007 11:19 AM, Blogger The Mean Aunt said...

Best Christmas letter ever!

At 12/04/2007 12:00 PM, Blogger Stephanie Black said...

You forgot to mention that I'll be starting up some Star Trek needlepoint next--I've got this Borg couch pillow pattern that's just precious!

At 12/04/2007 12:58 PM, Blogger Kerry Blair said...

Well, drat, Rob. That was so my idea for Friday. While great minds might, indeed, think alike, I'll bow now to the greater greatness of yours. I'd never top that in a million years. And a spare weekend. (Although I do believe you may have plagarized my Aunt Mildred circa 1977.)

I guess I'll just have to go steal something somewhere... (Those ellipses are still just for you, you know.)

At 12/04/2007 1:24 PM, Blogger Annette Lyon said...

I should have you write our family's letter. It would be much more entertaining than what really happened this year.

At 12/04/2007 2:12 PM, Blogger RobisonWells said...

Sorry to beat you to the punch, Kerry. This was inspired by a relative of mine who routinely talks about how her family is really rich. And whenever she mentions the specifics of their wealth, she capitalizes it: "they bought a new house and it's really a MANSION!!!"

At 12/04/2007 7:59 PM, Anonymous FHL said...

If you can find the short story by Connie Willis about Christmas letters, give it a read. The ending is priceless!

At 12/05/2007 12:12 AM, Anonymous Broonklyn said...

I look forward to every tuesday. You are just too funny Rob!

P.S. Will you do our Christmas letter too. 'Cause if you don't my mom will and all she will say is that I need more babysitting jobs and my sisters need to get married.

At 12/05/2007 11:29 AM, Blogger Melanie Goldmund said...

Excellent newsletter, Rob! Can you tell us where the picture is from?

At 12/05/2007 12:37 PM, Blogger Cheri J. Crane said...

I concur with Mean Aunt.

At 12/05/2007 5:24 PM, Blogger Anne Bradshaw said...

Great tongue-in-cheek epistle, Rob.

I've given up on Christmas letters. And Christmas cards. And Christmas pudding. But in case you're all thinking "Bah Humbug," I've not given up on Christmas music, or tree and decorations (except mentally), or presents. One day, maybe, but not yet.

At 12/05/2007 5:52 PM, Blogger RobisonWells said...

Melanie, I found the picture on the interweb, thanks to the miracle of Google. It's an ad for Daisy BB guns. But it's more fun if you think they're real rifles.


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