Thanksgiving Forum

Moderated by Robison Wells



Greetings! To all you Americans out there, Happy Thanksgiving! To all you non-Americans out there, what are you doing mooching off our internet? Do you have a visa for this?

If you’re not American, or you’re just a very dumb American, let me give a quick rundown on what Thanksgiving is. Basically, a long long time ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedication to the proposition that all men are created equal. Kinda makes you wish you lived here, huh? Well sorry, Bernard, but you’re stuck with crummy old Canada, dedicated to the proposition that potato chips would be better with ketchup.

Anyway, Thanksgiving celebrates when the first European settlers of our fine continent gathered together with the Native Americans for a big feast of turkey and cranberry sauce, after which the patriots and the chiefs went and kicked a pig.

So, with that explanation, I’d like to present our esteemed panel of guests. We’re very excited to have them here, all in one place for the first time. Without further ado: Captain John Smith, Squanto, James River, Constance Hopkins, Joe Theismann, and Leif Erickson.

Rob: Captain John Smith, I think I’ll start the questions with you. Tell me about the first Thanksgiving.

Captain Smith: Oh, it was great. There was, like, turkey and potatoes and stuffing, and Pocahontas made this awesome green bean casserole.

Squanto: He’s telling you lies, Rob. We ate eels.

Rob: Really? Eels?

Captain Smith: Technically yes. And Pocahontas wasn’t there. To tell the truth, we were all relieved about that. Now, you don’t have to believe me, but that Disney movie didn’t get it right. In that thing she was all hot, with nice legs and a short skirt. But in reality she was really homely. And her best friend wasn’t a raccoon—it was a big blond guy named Chad. I never had a chance.

Rob: Constance Hopkins, what say you?

Constance: About what?

Rob: Thanksgiving. Pocahontas. Whatever.

Constance: Pocahontas was a hussy. We pilgrim women have to tromp around in eighteen layers of burlap, and she’d frolic up and down the river in a tight leather skirt.

Captain Smith: I just said that she wasn’t all that easy on the eyes.

Constance: But better than a sixty pound black dress. I look like a nun.

Captain Smith: You’re cruisin’ for a scarlet letter, Constance.

Constance: Don’t I wish.

Captain John Smith: Rob, can I ask why Constance Hopkins is here? Who’s she?

Constance: You could ask me, you know. I’m right in front of you.

Rob: Well, Constance Hopkins is… well, she’s a pilgrim woman.

Constance: I’m also standing right here.

Captain John Smith: A pilgrim woman? So? Is there anything special about her?

Constance: [storms off in a huff]

Rob: There’s probably something significant about her. She’s the only pilgrim woman I could find mentioned on Wikipedia. I didn’t read the article, though.

Captain John Smith: Women, huh?

Rob: You’re preaching to the choir, Captain John Smith.

Constance: [from far away] I heard that!

Rob: Man, I guess it was nag nag nag even back in the 1600’s, or 1500’s, or whenever the heck pilgrims were around. Anyway, what say you James River?

James River: Well, I think you must have misinterpreted something, because my name’s not James River. I’m THE James River. As in, the river whereon Jamestown was settled.

Rob: Really? Someone must have screwed up the invitations. Anyway, do you know any charming anecdotes about Thanksgiving?

James River: Not really. I vaguely remember that sometime in November I had a bunch of eels swimming in me, and then later I didn’t. One would assume they were caught and eaten.

Rob: Squanto, is this really true? Eels for dinner? Haven’t you ever heard of Stove Top? Butterball?

Squanto: Yes, it’s true. But what’s also true is that the so-called “first thanksgiving” wasn’t really the first thanksgiving. The first Thanksgiving took place about twenty miles north of Jamestown and was attended by only 38 people, none of whom I know by name.

Rob: That’s awesome, Squanto. So, Joe Theismann, tell me something about the Redskins.

Squanto: I’m not done yet. The Jamestown Thanksgiving was in 1621. In 1617 there was a big plague in New England which wiped out between 90-96% of all the Native Americans. It was way worse than that milquetoast bubonic plague you Europeans are always going on about.

Rob: I’m not always going on about that.

Squanto: I was talking to Captain John Smith. Whenever I bring up the plague in New England, he’s always “You think that’s bad, we had a plague in Europe blah blah blah.” Sometimes I just wish that he’d let me have the final word. Like when I was teaching him to catch eels, he was all “You call this an eel? We’d use these things for bait back in Jolly Old England.”

Captain John Smith: Squanto! I had no idea I was making you feel this way!

Squanto: It hurts, Captain John Smith. Sometimes I just want to scream “I’m Squanto, and I am enough!”

Captain John Smith: Let’s never fight again!
[Squanto and Captain John Smith hug.]

Rob: So, Joe Theismann. Tell me about the Redskins.

Joe Theismann: Well, this is a transition season for us. We’re building, but we’ve got a lot of great talent, particularly on offense. Someone recently said that Jason Campbell ought to be the MVP.

Leif Erickson: Yeah, you know who said that? Some guy on the ESPN.com message boards called SimpleSandwichMan123. The Redskins stink. Go Vikings!

Rob: Leif, were the Vikings really the first Europeans here in America?

Leif Erikson: What do I look like? Wiki-freakin’-pedia? All I know is that we eat a lot of seafood in Norway, but we never eat eels. What’s wrong with you, Squanto?

Squanto: Give me a break, man. All my family died in a crummy European plague.

Joe Theismann: Oh, knock it off. We’ve all seen you when you cough, Squanto—you never cover your mouth. And I watched you wipe your nose right before you shook Leif Erikson’s hand today.

Leif Erikson: What? Oh, gross.

Joe Theismann: So anyway, Squanto, cool it with the “the Europeans gave me a plague” stuff.

Squanto: That's a valid point.

Rob: Well, that’s all the time we have today. Tune in next week for—

James River: Wait, we haven’t talked about Thanksgiving yet. What about the prayers and the tradition and the gratitude.

Rob: Well, uh…

Leif Erikson: I like to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Captain John Smith: Ooh, me too. But don’t you just hate it how all the singers are losers who you’ve never heard of—and they’re lip-synching anyway.

Rob: Unfortunately, time has run out. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Joe Theismann: Remember to fully cook your turkey. Proper food safety is no joke!

All: And that’s a fact we can all live with!