An Open Letter to Everyone

Dear Everyone,

It has come to my attention that you're all bugging me. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Rob is the most patient of all LDS writers. He's, like, the frickin' professor of long-suffering. Fully tenured, no less." And you're right. Sometimes I amaze myself with all my "no, please, continue being a moron" and "I will cheerfully bite my tongue while you embarrass us both". But, the time has come for me to mention one or two little things about your manners as of late.

1. When you're in front of me at Cold Stone Creamery (the ice cream establishment with the most delectable of all frozen treats) please try to know what you're going to order by the time you get to the counter. Again, I know what you're going to say: "But Rob, how will I know what to order if I don't look at the selection?" Here's my sure-fire, two-step method:
   
   • First, you're not an idiot, right? You've eaten ice cream before? The flavors don't really change all that much. Yes, you might not have tried the latest version of vanilla. You've only ever had French Vanilla and Canadian Vanilla and Sans-Fat Vanilla-Lite and Regular Old Vanilla--you've never yet had the chance to try Swiss Vanilla Explosiano. Here's the secret: It's just ice cream. Order it and get out of my way.
   
   
   • Second: We've been standing in this line for FORTY MINUTES!!! What have you been doing this whole time if you haven't been thinking about what kind of ice cream you're going to order? Talking on your cell phone? Would you please step out into the parking lot with me?



2. Even at a football game, you might be surprised to learn that there are socially accepted behaviors. The football players themselves have to follow certain rules of conduct or they'll get themselves thrown out of the game. What makes you think you're so special, big guy?
   
   Specifically, I'm referring to your continual insistence on standing up. Sure, I like standing up as much as the next guy, jumping up and down and yelling and screaming and making a scene. HOWEVER: look around you. Are you the only idiot standing up, and everyone in front of you is sitting down? And are you forcing the people behind you to stand up to see over your ugly head? If so: what's your problem?



3. Also at a football game: please don't stand on the benches. It forces everyone behind you to stand on the benches to see over your ugly head.



4. Also, do something about that ugly head of yours.



5. However, don't get all prettied up and go to the game expecting it to be a fun party where you can see and be seen. I generally sit in the student section, with a bunch of rabid fans, and there's inevitably one girl who gets dressed up in trendy clothes that don't match either teams colors. Last week a girl was wearing three-inch heels. To a football game. (Although maybe that was just to help her see over the ugly-heads in front of her.)



6. When you go to the BYU devotional and President Monson is speaking, as he was today, shut up. I can't imagine what you possibly had to say that was more important that what President Monson had to say, but you certainly were vocal about it, what with your laughing and carrying on.
   
   My wife likes to try to come up with stories which justify people's bad behavior. She says it helps her be compassionate and understanding. I say it helps blind her to how annoying people are. Anyway, here's an attempt to justify your appalling gabfest during President Monson's speech: That really hot girl you were sitting next to was partially deaf, and you had to relay all of President Monson's speech. While you were whispering to her, you discovered that she's not a member of the church! She just came to the Marriott Center because she was coaxed by the Spirit! So, you begin to teach her the First Discussion--but before you do so you must first Build a Relationship of Trust! And one more twist: this hot girl really trusts people who laugh during devotionals!



7. I could go on and on, but I think that the gist of this manifesto could be easily summed up in just a few words: When in doubt, shut up and sit down.

Yours Truly,

Rob Wells

XOXO