Six LDS Writers and A Frog

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

An Open Letter to Everyone

Dear Everyone,

It has come to my attention that you're all bugging me. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Rob is the most patient of all LDS writers. He's, like, the frickin' professor of long-suffering. Fully tenured, no less." And you're right. Sometimes I amaze myself with all my "no, please, continue being a moron" and "I will cheerfully bite my tongue while you embarrass us both". But, the time has come for me to mention one or two little things about your manners as of late.

  1. When you're in front of me at Cold Stone Creamery (the ice cream establishment with the most delectable of all frozen treats) please try to know what you're going to order by the time you get to the counter. Again, I know what you're going to say: "But Rob, how will I know what to order if I don't look at the selection?" Here's my sure-fire, two-step method:
    • First, you're not an idiot, right? You've eaten ice cream before? The flavors don't really change all that much. Yes, you might not have tried the latest version of vanilla. You've only ever had French Vanilla and Canadian Vanilla and Sans-Fat Vanilla-Lite and Regular Old Vanilla--you've never yet had the chance to try Swiss Vanilla Explosiano. Here's the secret: It's just ice cream. Order it and get out of my way.

    • Second: We've been standing in this line for FORTY MINUTES!!! What have you been doing this whole time if you haven't been thinking about what kind of ice cream you're going to order? Talking on your cell phone? Would you please step out into the parking lot with me?

  2. Even at a football game, you might be surprised to learn that there are socially accepted behaviors. The football players themselves have to follow certain rules of conduct or they'll get themselves thrown out of the game. What makes you think you're so special, big guy?

    Specifically, I'm referring to your continual insistence on standing up. Sure, I like standing up as much as the next guy, jumping up and down and yelling and screaming and making a scene. HOWEVER: look around you. Are you the only idiot standing up, and everyone in front of you is sitting down? And are you forcing the people behind you to stand up to see over your ugly head? If so: what's your problem?

  3. Also at a football game: please don't stand on the benches. It forces everyone behind you to stand on the benches to see over your ugly head.

  4. Also, do something about that ugly head of yours.

  5. However, don't get all prettied up and go to the game expecting it to be a fun party where you can see and be seen. I generally sit in the student section, with a bunch of rabid fans, and there's inevitably one girl who gets dressed up in trendy clothes that don't match either teams colors. Last week a girl was wearing three-inch heels. To a football game. (Although maybe that was just to help her see over the ugly-heads in front of her.)

  6. When you go to the BYU devotional and President Monson is speaking, as he was today, shut up. I can't imagine what you possibly had to say that was more important that what President Monson had to say, but you certainly were vocal about it, what with your laughing and carrying on.

    My wife likes to try to come up with stories which justify people's bad behavior. She says it helps her be compassionate and understanding. I say it helps blind her to how annoying people are. Anyway, here's an attempt to justify your appalling gabfest during President Monson's speech: That really hot girl you were sitting next to was partially deaf, and you had to relay all of President Monson's speech. While you were whispering to her, you discovered that she's not a member of the church! She just came to the Marriott Center because she was coaxed by the Spirit! So, you begin to teach her the First Discussion--but before you do so you must first Build a Relationship of Trust! And one more twist: this hot girl really trusts people who laugh during devotionals!

  7. I could go on and on, but I think that the gist of this manifesto could be easily summed up in just a few words: When in doubt, shut up and sit down.

Yours Truly,

Rob Wells



At 11/13/2007 6:07 PM, Blogger RobisonWells said...

I really had a hard time coming up with something to write about. But then I started listing things I hate, and the blog just came.

Misanthropy: the old standby. It's my core competency.

At 11/13/2007 7:20 PM, Blogger Annette Lyon said...

Ah, such a sweet post. You even ended it with hugs and kisses.

Now I'll shut up and sit down. (See? I can be trained.)

At 11/13/2007 7:53 PM, Blogger Heather B. Moore said...

Well, maybe the people in front of you are just very short and really can't see the game. Or maybe it's their first time EVER to a BYU game--they just arrived from Russia--and it's absolutely the best thing EVER.

Or maybe they really can't decide which flavor of ice cream to get. Some people have dislexia and might have to read the menu more than once.

At 11/13/2007 8:15 PM, Blogger Stephanie Black said...

Or maybe they just hate you. Maybe it's personal.

At 11/14/2007 12:53 AM, Blogger ChillyGator said...

Heather's comment made me laugh. My brother in law got home from his mission (in Russia), went to a BYU football game within days of being home and wept like a little girl when the players came out. That boy loves BYU Football. Also, apparently, America.

And I totally came down for the devotional. You didn't even say "hi". I thought we were friends.

At 11/14/2007 1:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate stupid girly blonde's who giggle and laugh during church. It makes me want to yank out that perfectly styled bleached hair out of that empty scull.
Sorry went a little over board.
I think stephanie's right, sorry Rob.

At 11/14/2007 9:35 AM, Blogger Anne Bradshaw said...

What if Mr. Ugly Head is an investigator who knows no different?

At 11/14/2007 10:25 AM, Anonymous marlene said...

What side of the bed did you get up on? Haven't you realized that standing there with all those choices is part of the thing about getting ice cream? If you don't want to stand in line, buy it at the grocery store. And when did you get too old to stand up at a game? The exercise probably does you good. As for our flirtive couple, at least give them points for attending. And how much did you feel the spirit while you were sitting there criticizing them for...

Oops, I'm thinking I got up on the wrong side of the bed, too!


At 11/14/2007 2:24 PM, Blogger Josi said...

You wait in line for 40 minutes for freaking ice cream? That's psycho behavior, Rob, and anyone else whose been in line that long is equally sociopathic so you totally set yourself up for that one.

Basically, you're saying that the hot girls at BYU are evil and corrupting the world--is that what you're trying to say?

As for the standing up stuff--stay home and crack a pint of Cherry Garcia--you can flip over to the BYU devotional during the commercials.

Remind me never to ask you if I look fat in anything I might wear on any given day.

At 11/14/2007 2:34 PM, Blogger Evil HR Lady said...


I agree with you. But, I'm slightly evil.

At 11/14/2007 8:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate it when people use apostrophe's in word's that should just be pluralized. And I also hate it when they mispell "skull", unless, of course, they meant an oar, or a boat propelled by oar's. (I was sure it would mean something like "Kitchen.")

Josi: Turtle Soup is better! :)

* Yes, I meant to misspell it.

At 11/14/2007 10:04 PM, Blogger James Dashner said...

Rob, lately your stock has been rising and rising in my eyes. However, it has suffered a major blow with this post.

I was born and raised in Georgia. Where they play real football in a real conference. If you sat down during a Georgia football game, you would receive the worst wedgie in your life, if not murdered.

This is why it's so hard for me to get into football at my alma mater, BYU. It's so mind boggling to me that people actually yell at you for standing up. Unbelievable.

Shame on you. Shame, shame on you.

If you want to sit during a football game, stay at home and sit on your lazy bee-hind and watch it on TV.


At 11/15/2007 9:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear anonymous, I've got a idea, bite me!

Josi: Cherry Garcia is my favorite ice cream! But I call it my date with Ben and Jerry.

At 12/03/2007 2:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow! I've been lost in LDS blogland and found your blog. It's a great one, until this post. Not sure what to say other than...
there was an ugly-headed U of U fan standing in front of a BYU fan during the U of U/ BYU game when the BYU fan politely tapped on the ugly-headed offender's shoulder and said, "Excuse me, sir, you are obstructing my vision." The U of U fan said, "Sorry, I didn't know you were having one"


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