Livin' the Rivalry

by Robison Wells

On Saturday we moved to Provo, into the married student housing at BYU. This marks the eighth dwelling of my married life, and the fourth in university housing. At the University of Utah, we moved into a one bedroom, and when Holly was born we moved into a two bedroom. And then, two-and-a-half years ago, I briefly looked into going back to school for a masters in education, and we lived in a three bedroom. We're thinking of just getting a mobile home from now on, or maybe a gypsy wagon.

My wife is a BYU alum, which you might think causes some trouble in our marraige--I'm a U of U grad, and the two groups have more hatred betwixt them than LL Cool J and Kool Moe Dee, if you can imagine. However, that's never been much of an issue: I never really liked the U of U. I chose to go there, however, because BYU didn't have the specific political science program I wanted. (And, let me tell you, that degree has served me quite well in the business world.) Yes, when we lived at the U, we'd root for the Y, and my wife would hang BYU paraphernalia in the window.

The following are some big differences I've noticed between the two schools. I've tried to be as fair and equitable as possible, showcasing both the pros and cons of each. (Slangily speaking, the U of U had more "pros" and "cons", at least from what I've seen so far.)

BYU housing doesn't have air conditioning. And, in case you hadn't noticed because the nerves have been scalded off your skin, it's hellishly hot this week. The U had air conditioning. (They also had East Germany style tenement apartments, complete with cinderblock walls and carpet-free floors. But at least you could breathe in there without scorching your lungs. Here, we check on my kids several times a night--rolling them over and basting them with butter and garlic.)

The U of U is a filthy, dusty, unkempt school (and, no surprise, many of the students also appear filthy, dusty, and unkempt). I spent the majority of my time in Orson Spencer Hall, which has never known the gentle touch of a broom. And in one of my history classes, you'd have to brush the bits of dust and plaster off your notepad every few minutes because the ceiling was disintegrating.

BYU is attended solely by married people and teenagers. There is no in-between. (At the moment, it's swarmed by EFY kids. I never had the opportunity to go to EFY, but from what I've observed, here's a run-down: you get in a long line, pair off every guy with every girl, and then you walk around campus for a week in an endless parade. I don't know where this thousand-person snake is headed, but it always seems to be in my way when I'm crossing campus, and it's hard to dart through.) (Maybe some of the people in the line just got caught and could never get out? Or maybe they thought "If I stay with this line long enough, eventually I'll get paired up with someone, and then we can get married.")

There were a whole lot more protests at the U of U than there are at BYU. And dumb protests, too. I mean, I'm all for civil disobedience if it's for something interesting, but U of U students would duct tape themselves to each other to raise awareness about the temporary lack of plastic spoons in the cafeteria.

At BYU, instead of protesting with picket signs and sit-ins, they write indignant letters to the Daily Universe. For example, a fellow by the name of Jeff Hill wrote last week that BYU girls are just too dang immodest--but the actual point of his letter was tired of seeing overweight girls wear immodest clothes. Ladies, this guy sounds like great husband material. He says:

"Pretty girls don't have to be immodest. If you have to wonder if you're wearing something that will attract a guy's attention in a wrong way, think first, do I need to be immodest? Am I pretty enough to just wear modest clothing? I hope the answer is yes. If you would like respect, dress modestly. And if you have to dress immodestly, maybe you should be doing something different than reading the editorials; like running, or eating a salad..."

On the other hand, at the U of U, I've long been impressed by the girls' community-mindedness. They're doing their part to conserve during the Great Fabric Shortage.

Also at the U, I had a class (The Political Language of Islam) with someone who looked exactly like this guy. Usually, he didn't have the bird with him. We were very thankful for his presence--you know, just in case a mummy happened along.

I have two kids here at BYU, but I only had one at the U. What does that tell you?

This isn't really related to BYU, but ever since we've moved I can't find any of my clothes. So, I've worn a certain BYU t-shirt two of the four days we've been here. Go school pride! And body odor!

I have never stepped foot in a busier Little Caeser's pizza than the one down here. Two theories: BYU students are cheap, and BYU students really love eating cardboard pizza and soggy chicken wings (because of the mysterious Little Caeser Prophecy) (I think it came from Brigham Young, or one of those bearded prophets).

The U of U is populated by hippies and communists.

BYU's housing has an ice cream shop FIFTY YARDS FROM MY FRONT DOOR. That's it. BYU wins.