A (Late) Night in My Life

By Sariah S. Wilson

I have no secrets to reveal (or at least none that I would want to publicly share) and my only current thoughts on the Whitney Awards (besides what a great idea, and no, I’m not just sucking up to the Committee) is that I hope everyone who’s read “Secrets in Zarahemla” will go over and nominate it, because you all know that I am not above shameless self-promotion/begging.

So back to the topic at hand, I must tell you that I am one of those people who take FOREVER to fall asleep. I am deeply envious of my husband who has only to think of sleeping and can nod off wherever he is (one of those out-by-the-time-he-hits-the-pillow kind of people).

Due to recovery and sleepless nights, my inability to fall asleep hasn’t been a problem until very recently.

I should also mention that I have to stay awake when I’m feeding the baby at night. I can’t drift off while I’m feeding her, because if this child isn’t properly burped, she will puke up most of what she ate and then have hiccups that last for four or five hours or some insane amount of time.

In order to stay awake, I turn the TV on and keep the sound low. This gives me enough light to see what I’m doing and helps me to stay up.

I also have Dish Network with a gazillion channels (or maybe 150 or something like that. Most of them are sports apparently, which I don’t watch). You’d think there’d always be something on to keep me entertained. This is not always the case.

11:05 - Baby is up and wanting to eat. I typically stay up until this feeding because there’s no point in going to bed at 10:00 and pretending to sleep for a half-hour to an hour. Might as well enjoy myself. At 11:00 there is still lots of good stuff on television. All sorts of ‘90s sitcoms, game shows, any number of Law & Orders (SVU is my favorite) and late night talk shows.

The baby takes about half an hour to eat, another half an hour to fall completely asleep.

Ordered “Music and Lyrics” on Pay-Per-View, and we have it for 24 hours. I routinely flip over to rewatch the parts I like, which comprise mostly the hilarious ‘80s video and the ‘80s songs (and now must admit to liking songs by fake TV groups, such as “Calculus” by 2GETHER. Realize that I have no musical taste). Like them so much I ask my husband to download them for me. Can’t get “Pop Goes My Heart” out of my head.

1:16 - Have been asleep approximately 30 minutes when baby gets up. Pickings become slim. See that “Unborn II” is on the Sci-Fi Channel, and it stars Scott Valentine. Wonder how sad it currently is to be Scott Valentine, who was once very famous as Mallory’s boyfriend Nick on “Family Ties.” Think it must be hard to be so famous and then have third billing in movies called “Unborn II.”

Wonder if there is a Mormon famous equivalent. Do Jeff Savage and Kerry Blair get preferred seating at that fancy restaurant at the top of the Joseph Smith Memorial Building in Salt Lake? Do they get to cut in line at the temple?

1:28 - Then pop goes my heart…pop goes my heart…

1:42 - Trailers for horror movies scare the bejeebers out of me. “1408” trailer is not scary when there’s no sound. Wonder why sound is so integral in horror movies.

Realize sound isn’t everything when I remember that I couldn’t watch even a millisecond of “The Grudge” trailers. Still get nightmares just thinking about it.

1:44 - Decide that sound is important because when the house settles, as it is right now, my adrenaline starts pumping as I’m imagining those aliens from that BMWC movie “Signs” (BMWC = Before Mel Went Crazy) running around on my roof.

2:07 - Need something funny to watch so that I don’t give myself a heart attack. Watch “Futurama” on Cartoon Network. Wonder why they can bring back that pukefest that is “Family Guy” with new shows but have neglected a show as entertaining as “Futurama.”

2:12 - You are gold and silver…

3:23 - Amazing Race 6 is on Game Show Network. I never watch this show on regular television, but for some reason at 3:00 in the morning it is fascinating to me. Last night had to watch the whole thing and then couldn’t fall asleep for thinking about those poor women who spent eight hours unrolling hay bales.

3:47 - Discover that MTV plays actual music when no one’s awake to watch it. Then realize that I do not know a single band in any of the videos. Go back to “Music and Lyrics” to watch a video that gives me comfort from its ‘80s-ness. Decide that favorite video of all time is Aha’s “Take on Me.” Realize how very uncool I have become.

Flash back to sacrament talk given just after I got married by a man with three children who seemed so old to me. He talked about how cool he was, how he was down with the music. He knew who Hootie and the Blowfish were. Wondered why man didn’t realize that by saying he was cool he negated any possibility of it. Mentioning Hootie just took away even more cool points.

Flip over to VH1 where I do recognize the musical performers. Become extremely depressed.

3:54 - Said I wasn’t going to lose my head, but then pop goes my heart…

4:02 - Only thing on at this hour is local news. Wonder why there is news on at 4:00 in the morning. Wonder what time the newscasters have to go to bed in order to be on the air at 4:00 in the morning. Remember why I loathe the news when anchor announces a fascinating story on that new weight loss drug (Alli) and a special report on how to never pay full price on anything again.

4:05 - Still nothing on the drug or the sales.

4:06 - Still nothing on the drug or the sales.

4:16 - Decide I have been patient enough, and still nothing on the drug or sales.

4:29 - At last possible moment, have one “expert” talking about the drug and essentially reading the side of the box. I could go to the store and do that.

4:30 - New news show is on, and still advertising how to never pay full price, I just need to stay tuned. I decide to take my viewing elsewhere.

4:33 - Television has been completely overtaken by “Paid Programming.” Do not want to be suckered into buying crappy houses to make money, ordering workout machines I will never use or getting investment tips from someone who looks like they just murdered their mom, so flip back to dumb movie on USA. “Mission to Mars” is truly stupid. Why didn’t the Martians just live on Earth if Mars was just like Earth? Do Gary Sinise or Don Cheadle feel bad for making that movie? They should. I expect this sort of thing from Jerry O’Connell, but not from Academy Award nominees.

Remember “Catwoman” and know there is just no accounting for actors’ bad tastes in roles.

4:37 - Do men really think that “hot girls” are sitting around waiting to talk to them? Wonder if their lack of sleep has made them that stupid.

6:10 - “Angel” is on. I was Very Mad when Joss Whedon spun Angel off into his own series and then made lame Cordelia as the love interest. Lame, I say. Angel belonged with Buffy. Also hated lame Connor. Should have kept him a baby. “Angel” only got good when Spike joined. Spike makes everything good. Even that lame “Smallville.”

6:38 - Should start some crusade to get more people to watch “Buffy” DVDs, as it is one of the best shows EVER. Think about getting up to grab my Season 8 comics (in stores now!) which is written by Joss Whedon (whom I have since forgiven) and are extremely awesome. Wish show had gone on and could have watched this live. Joss rocks.

Realize that getting comics would entail me getting out of bed, so I don’t.

6:47 - I wasn’t gonna fall in love again…

Baby has gas problems and makes certain to wake up every 20 minutes or so between 5:30 and 9:00, when I finally drag myself out of bed.

At which point she promptly falls asleep for four hours.