A'Caucusing We Will Go

by Robison Wells

I wrote a big introduction to this blog that was essentially my attempt to explain my political views, but then I realized that it wasn't that interesting, and definitely not entertaining, and you don't care. So, let's just ignore that. Suffice it to say that I probably disagree with you (unless you're a reasonable, intelligent person). (Zing!)

Tonight was the caucus night in Utah, and I decided that it was time that I go. I've never gone before, but I needed to. If I'm going to mock local politics then I probably ought to actually attend some meetings (to give me more fodder for mocking).

I actually went to two caucuses. (Cauci? That can't be right.) First, I went to the Democrat caucus, because it started first and I figured I could get a taste of it and still have time to get to the Republican one.

Here is the basic comparison between the two, and I promise that these observations are not at all biased in any way (seriously). The Democrat caucus had more people, was far better organized, and had far fewer weirdos. (I know! I was surprised, too!) In fact, the attendee demographics at the Republican caucus seemed to be: 60% older than 70, 30% unkempt and oddly dressed, and 10% unkempt and oddly dressed people who are older than 70. (Which explains why McCain got the nomination last year.)

So, we sat in uncomfortable chairs while the district chairperson led the meeting, and I was never quite sure if he was pausing for dramatic effect or falling asleep in between announcements. Suffice it to say that he was boring.

And then we all split up and met with our precincts, and my precinct only had five people, including me. And, worse, all the votes were two-and-two, which left me as the deciding vote. And I had absolutely nothing to base my vote on. So, I told them that I was a moderate independent, and that I really shouldn't be voting anyway, since I'm not registered in either party and I was there mostly as an oberver. (Which is foruntate, because the candidate choices were: the fanatic or the conspiracy theorist.)

Here's what surprised me the most: no one, at either caucus, was talking about issues. Even when I was faced with Sophie's Choice (the nut or the wacko) and I asked them what their political philosophies were, all I got from the fanatic was "I like to keep my options open", and then the conspiracy theorist told me how "[So-and-so] is corrupt. The news won't tell you, but I can read between the lines."

And that was it. Other than the boring chairperson reading the Republican platform, that was the only discussion of issues the entire night. I must admit that, as a moderate independent, I was expecting both caucuses to yell at me and tell me why I was needed to more fully convert to their extremist ideas. But, no. No one was recruiting today, or, it seemed, even thinking about politics. Caucus Day is apparently Paperwork Day.

Part of the reason I was going to both caucuses tonight was to see if either party seemed at all attractive. I'm in the middle, which means that I don't like either side, but if I'm going to vote I need to pick someone, right?

Well, my goal was not realized. At the end of the night I picked up a voter registration form (I haven't changed my address since moving from Provo), and I filled it out and handed it in. And, when it asked for my party, I drew a giant checkmark next to 'Unaffiliated'.

But, on the plus side, someone gave me a candy bar.