Six LDS Writers and A Frog

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

My Heart is Breaking

by Robison Wells

Last Saturday I came home from work and settled in to watch the BYU-Utah game. No, I'm not going to talk about that game, because I've talked about it a lot elsewhere and because, whatever your opinion is, you're wrong and I don't care.

What actually happened during that game is that I started getting lightheaded and fuzzy-brained (more so than usual), and my chest started to hurt.

Now, I've seen the Public Service Announcements that say what you're supposed to do if your chest starts to hurt, and I assure you that their advice did not go unheeded. Approximately five hours after it started to hurt really bad--really bad--I finally told my wife. (See, the thing about my wife is that if I were to tell her that I was dizzy and suffering from severe chest pain then she would want me to see a doctor.) (Women!)

The problem with me seeing a doctor is that I have no insurance. You know that "work" I mentioned in the first paragraph? It's work in the sense that I go to an office and do things, but it's not work in the sense that I'm employed, or that I have any income whatsoever, or that I have a dime to pay an insurance premium. So, having chest pain, what's an uninsured boy to do? Answer: assume that, since five hours have passed and I haven't died yet, then it's not a heart attack. Then eat something slathered in butter.

Well, the next morning wasn't much better. It was worse, in fact, only with less dizzy and more pain. So, I decided to bite the proverbial bullet--not the literal bullet; I don't have life insurance, either--and go to the hospital.

The hospital was quite concerned, insurance or not, and they plopped me in a wheelchair and gave me oxygen and stabbed me with an IV. They put electrodes on me and then took them off and gave me new electrodes. It was quite fun.

The verdict was, of course, that I have an allergy to wheat and that I need to keep a magnet in my pocket. Ha ha! No, these were real doctors. The verdict was that I have pericarditis, which is an inflammation of the pericardium, the fluid-filled sac around the heart. The cause: some little bit of leftover flu--I had the swine flu (hamthrax) in October--wound its way over to my heart and organized a rebellion. The doctor didn't say as much (because he's part of the Big Pharma conspiracy) but I figure that this is all somehow attributable to aspartame.

Anyway, the treatment of pericarditis is simple: rest and take drugs. I've spent a lot of time in bed lately, a heating pad on my chest and Lortab in my veins. It's been pretty great, all things considered.

But it was not all lazy lying down in bed. Sometimes I had to sit up and hunch over in pain. At other times, I had to make sad faces and cry like a baby. In other words, this is so way worse than cancer! Kerry's got nothin' on me!

So what I'm trying to say is that there's a very good reason I didn't reply to your emails last week, or do that thing that you asked me to do, or write a blog on time. Because if there's one thing you can't do while lying in bed, it's type on a laptop.


16 Comments:

At 12/09/2009 11:10 AM, Blogger Annette Lyon said...

Hope you feel better soon. Be sure to keep that magnet close by. Ha!

 
At 12/09/2009 11:17 AM, Blogger One Cluttered Brain said...

wow! i hope you feel better soon--I'd probably do the same thing seeing I am underemployed and non insured at the moment...

Thanks goodness for my health right now...

Hope you get your good health soon...

 
At 12/09/2009 11:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Eat grass, herbs, and drink lots of water, Rob. No more diet anything. Buy more magnets.

Or you could wait until 2016 when the emergency Obamacare is set to begin dolling out beneifts and have the government send your medical bill to all of us. What a deal!

 
At 12/09/2009 11:44 AM, Blogger Jennie said...

Rob, you scare me. I did the severe migraines thing, then got pericarditis following the Asian flu. Allergies have been the bane of my life. Look for breast cancer in about twenty years. Really, Rob, it's no laughing matter and you have my full sympathy.

 
At 12/09/2009 1:46 PM, Anonymous mean aunt said...

You forgot to try Noni juice!

 
At 12/09/2009 1:58 PM, Blogger Stephanie Black said...

Serious ouch. I hope you're on the mend.

 
At 12/09/2009 2:07 PM, Blogger RobisonWells said...

Anon, thanks in advance for paying my bills. It's people like you who make society so much fun to mooch off of. : )

Jennie, it sounds like you're stalking me! Or I'm stalking you. Or we're the same person.

Mean Aunt: Crap! I forgot the Noni! I'm going to flush all my medicine down the toilet this minute and get some superfruit.

 
At 12/09/2009 2:07 PM, Blogger Marta O. Smith said...

Wow, Rob. That sounds awful. Take care of yourself and follow doctor's orders. Hope you feel better soon.

 
At 12/09/2009 3:43 PM, Blogger David J. West said...

Try swallowing pennies-ity couldn't make things any worse right?

Ok don't do that-but maybe go outside suck in some of our bracing weather and start working on next years float to get your mind off of things.

 
At 12/09/2009 6:07 PM, Blogger ali said...

Oh man! That sucks! And I feel totally sorry for you. Totally. (That was the point, right?)

Hope you get better soon!

 
At 12/09/2009 8:13 PM, Blogger L.T. Elliot said...

I hate to hear that you've been so sick. If you're sick and unable to write, I don't get my hilarity fix and let's be honest, I'm grouchy when I don't get my fix. So could you get better sometime soon?

Okay, seriously, I do hope you feel better soon. And I do want that fix. ;)

 
At 12/10/2009 12:34 AM, Blogger Sheila said...

I knew that you didn't want to be in charge of the Whitneys, but this is ridiculous. Just kidding.

You rest and do what you should. How scary for this to happen. Get better very soon. ~~Sheila

 
At 12/10/2009 12:35 AM, Blogger Rachelle said...

Yikes! Get better, we don't want any more excuses. :)
Really, though you and your family are in my prayers and I hope you can feel better for the holiday.

 
At 12/10/2009 2:54 PM, Blogger Sariah S. Wilson said...

Oh, right, you just had to go and try to one up my exploding brain story.

But in all seriousness, I'm glad you're not dead (and get well soon!).

 
At 12/11/2009 8:38 AM, Blogger Kerry Blair said...

Oh, my gosh! What Sariah said. And CONGRATS on the job I hear you got! (Easy, peasy, indeed!) Hope you feel well enough to take it -- and that it doesn't take to much time from your writing I'm expecting huge things from you, Robison Wells. I really am.

 
At 12/14/2009 4:13 PM, Blogger Heather Justesen said...

Funny, I am quite adept at typing on a laptop while lying in bed...but I suppose I tend to do a lot less typing in any position when I'm in extreme pain. ANd if my husband's state of mind on Lortab is any indication, I probably wouldn't be able to write anything coherent on it anyway.

Hey, anytime you need oxygen, an IV poked into you and heart monitor patches on you, let me know, I'll come right over (do you think my county would mind me taking the ambulance equipment 100+ miles?).

No, seriously, I hope you're starting to feel better. You've got lots of people praying for you.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home