Six LDS Writers and A Frog

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Hava Javalina Story! (Or Five)

by Kerry Blair

First, an apology. Due to circumstances not entirely beyond my control, I never saw a computer yesterday. I was, of course, sulking that I missed the conference and dinner and Stephanie's book signings. (That and throwing a dinner/theatre party at the ward for 150 of my closest friends.)

Now, the stories. Vote for your favorite, by number, in the comments trail. Everyone who votes will be entered in a drawing for a javelina magnet from the Heritage Park Zoo, an Arizona Game and Fish pamphlet, Living With Javelina (this is the response you get when you call to complain about javelina wreaking havoc in your otherwise quiet neighborhood, and a copy of Closing In -- if you haven't already found it at a thrift store for a dime. Winners will be announced next Friday. For real. I swear. Absolutely.

PS - Everybody is eligible to vote -- especially the authors of these stories -- but only one vote per person. (This means you, Anonymous.) #1
Once upon a time there was a javelina named Angelina. She was not married to another peccary named Brad, nor did she have many adopted children with said peccary. Although she did know another peccary named Brad.It was Brad the javelina (and not Brad the actor) that caused Angelina to cross the road this fine day. You see, Brad was on the left and so Angelina quite needed to be on the right--and it had nothing to do whatsoever to do with his marriage proposal. Except that it did.

Bet you didn't know that for centuries the indigenous peoples of Meso America have treated the peccary as a house pet, much like a dog (not a cat---who would want a cat as a pet?). The Peccary demonstrates all the sensibilites of a dog. Plays with the kids. Doesn't bite (excpet cats). Protector. Loyal. Chases cats up trees.Dogs (canines) were everywhere present in Lehi's Jerusalem, but not to be found in the Americas until after Book of Mormon times.Is it possible that the mention of the dog in the Book of Mormon, was actually a reference to a peccary? Pretty like yes. And to qualify for the contest: Why did the peccary cross the road? To visit Laman, of course.

Cary had just come out of his den when he noticed a peculiar smell in the air. It did not remind him of his fellow herd-mates; in fact, he had never come across this particular aroma in his life. Curious, he trotted through the scraggly brush only pausing twice to rub his tusks together to warn off a couple of stray coyotes. He soon realized that he had traveled farther from his own territory than ever before. He had been lost in musings about his quarry, which he was certain by then was some sort of delicious feast, much better than those roots and vegetables he obtained from what his fellow javelinas called "Brr Key Lair", home to those tall creatures.

He stopped at a strange path that stretched out as far as he could. Admittedly, that was not very far, but he could sense that it went far indeed. On the other side ofthe odd path was a strewn pile that resembled that which the Lair People put in hard buckets, but oh, it smelled so much better! He had only taken a couple of steps on the hard surface when a large predator appeared, with eyes that shone like the sun! It came at him fast as a desert storm emitting a loud growl. Cary's last thought was of the aromatic treasure as the car ran over him in the night.

The truck’s hood came down with a hard bang.“That’ll do her,” Cletus said as he wiped his dirty hand across his face, leaving a muddy swatch to drip down his temple instead of sweat. He limped his way back around to the driver’s seat and slid over the duct-tapped vinyl seat, grasping the steering wheel for leverage. As he twisted the ignition’s key and started the engine, he said, “Call the children.”

Without removing her bare feet from the edge of the passenger window, Flora lifted her face and yelled, “Get back in the camper, kids!”

“Heck, Flora,” Cletus said, flicking his wife on the back of the head with his fingers, “Do ya’ think they heard ya’ in Gila Bend?” He turned and stared out the windowless pass-through between the cab and the truck’s camper. “Why didn’t ya’ get out and fetch the young ‘uns?”

“Are they a commin’?”

“Uh, huh,” he said as the old truck rocked with motion. “Then I didn’t need ta.” Flora sighed. “When are we stoppin’ for the night? I’m gettin’ hungry.”

“I’d say maybe another hour or so,” Cletus said as he drove along a back road and further away from the main highway. “Then we’ll set up camp.”

“Daddy, Daddy!” Mirabelle cried as she leaned over the windowless opening next to her mother’s face. “Oscar got away, Daddy!”

Flora quickly sat up. “No, dang it!”

Cletus shook his head. “I told you, Flora. You should’a made sure ever-body got in. Now we ain’t got no darn pig for dinner.”“You were going to eat my pet?” Mirabella cried louder.

Bobby pushed his sister’s shoulder. “I’da run away too if I was gonna’ be et. I bet that pig’s miles away from here by now, hich’n a ride.”

Jock and Jerry Javelina weren't sure where they were. They had been out in the desert chasing those light skinned, two-legged creatures that kept trying to cut down their shade trees when all of the sudden their surroundings looked less familiar. What were these buildings? What was this black stuff they were walking on? What kind of animals were those across the way? They looked like they could be relatives, but not quite.

"Hey Jock, let's cross this solid black river and ask the natives for directions."

"Sounds good, Jerry."

"Yo Buddy Boy, where in the heck are we?"

"My turf and you better get off of it right now before my human comes out and sees you."

"Human? You mean those tall, stupid creatures who aren't smart enough to use all four legs?"

"Yup, and there's one of them right now. You're in big trouble. I've seen this before. He's going to call the cops and you'll be goners."

"I'm not worried. I think we'll just rest here under this bush and then try to head for home."

A few minutes later Jock and Jerry heard a loud howl coming for a very fast animal with four black feet and a red horn on his head. The creature came to a stop and regurgitated two humans waving some kind of a stick.

Boom, boom!! Jerry and Jock were no more.

This is a true story about what happens to Javelinas who cross the road on the reservation.


At 9/26/2009 1:45 PM, Blogger Marsha Ward said...

Number 4, definitely number 4.

At 9/26/2009 2:42 PM, Blogger L.T. Elliot said...

I like both #3 and #4. =] (Although #1 ain't terrible either. ;) )

At 9/26/2009 5:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...



At 9/26/2009 7:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yup, #4!


At 9/26/2009 11:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, I'd say #2 except for the anti-feline bias but then I always like a true story so I guess it will be #5. Now who lives on the reservation or so close thereof to tell a story about it?


At 9/27/2009 1:53 AM, Blogger Paige's Pages said...

Hmm... I say #2. Its hard to pick you know. Now Id better head off to bed as I have to teach the relief society tomorrow and if I fall asleep while teaching who is going to believe its because I was reading about Javelinas? :)

At 9/27/2009 5:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Number two, number two, number two! And I didn't write it. I swear. I don't know a danged thing about Laman's pet Javelina, promise. But I bet Sariah (not Wilson. The real Sariah) wouldn't let him bring his javelina inside the goat hair tent.

At 9/27/2009 5:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let me see...tough choice. Its got to be #2. The truth is so much more surreal than the untruths of fiction. What do you think Laman fed his javelina?

At 9/27/2009 5:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

No question. #2. Do you think Laman's pet Peccary was house trained?

At 9/27/2009 5:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Number two. I had no idea Laman had a pet pig. Go figure. It all makes sense now. What other kind of pet would Laman choose?

At 9/28/2009 11:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think number 3 is best.



Post a Comment

<< Home