Six LDS Writers and A Frog

Saturday, March 21, 2009

A Rabbi, a Priest and a Mormon Missionary Walk Into a Bar...

by Sariah S. Wilson

Screaming babies. Two of them. Short post ahead.

I'm in need of a joke. A short, clean joke. Something that when it's told will make people laugh out loud. (Whenever I have to give a presentation or talk, I always start with a joke or something that will catch the audience's attention. My parents are amazing public speakers, and we were instructed very early on to never begin any talk with "My name is ________ and today I've been asked to speak about ________." I think jokes are the fun way to go.) This presentation is to a non-LDS audience, so it doesn't need to be LDS in nature (although LDS-based jokes are also welcome!).

Here's the sort of joke I'm talking about (this was sent by author Laurie Lewis to a list I belong to):

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.'

So please post your favorite/most amusing joke in the comments. (I'll most likely read them at 3:00 a.m., and I'm guessing that said sleep deprivation will probably only make them even funnier to me.)


At 3/21/2009 9:26 PM, Blogger S.Faux said...

This one probably won't work in Church, but it is funny:

What is the difference between President Obama and Jesus?

Answer: Jesus could make cabinets.

At 3/22/2009 7:46 AM, Anonymous Floyd the Wonderdog said...

I stopped telling jokes when speaking after a translator for the deaf literally fell off his chair laughing.

At 3/22/2009 11:37 AM, Blogger Laura said...

"My kids told me that if you made a line of people laying on the floor who I put to sleep during my talk, they'd all be a lot more comfortable."

At 3/22/2009 9:25 PM, Blogger Stephanie Abney said...

On a trip to Utah this weekend, my 10-year-old grandson told us one. Pretty funny:

A witch cast a spell on a prince and he was only allowed to speak one word per year. He could save them up if he wanted to. So, the prince fell in love and wanted to say, "My darling." So he waited two years but by then he wanted to say, "I love you." And finally, "Will you marry me?"

After saving his words and waiting nine years, the prince finally spoke to his sweetheart, "Mr darling, I love you. Will you marry me?"

She said, "Pardon?"

At 3/23/2009 3:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This one's a little long to read and sounds better when told.

A man is stopped leaving a local fishing hole with two buckets full of fish. A Fish and Wildlife officer spots the man and stops him to cite him for catching fish beyond the limit.

Sir, says the officer, you've caught too many fish. I'm afraid I'm going to have to take the fish and cite you for catching too many.

I'm sorry officer, says the fisherman, but you seem to be mistaken. I didn't catch these fish here - they are my pet fish that I keep at home. I bring them here occasionally to let them swim about - kind of like walking a dog.

A bit flabergasted, the officer smirks and says, How on earth do you know that you've caught only your fish?

The man replies, When it's time to go, I just call out and my fish swim back into the submerged buckets and we go on our way.

The officer, in complete disbelief, decides that this is a trick he's just got to see. He tells the man to show him how this is done.

The man and the officer walk back to the fishing pond, the man empties his two buckets and the fish swim away.

After a minute of silence, the officer tells the man to call the fish back.

Fish?! asks the man, What fish? and the man leaves the officer standing at the shore - without a ticket.

At 3/23/2009 3:58 PM, Anonymous Sally said...

Where does the president keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

Don't know why that stupid joke cracks me up.

At 3/23/2009 5:35 PM, Blogger Ian said...

Personally, I like to make the joke relevant to the topic i'm about to speak on.

Once I spoke on Prophecy in sacrament and I opened with this one "A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. “Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash. “Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says bridge out instead?”

At 3/24/2009 2:17 PM, Blogger Tristi Pinkston said...

This is a favorite of my children's right now ... and yes, I've heard it over and over the last few days.

A duck walks into a bar. "You got any grapes?"

The bartender tells him no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes back. "You got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes back. "You got any grapes?"

The bartender says, "I told you, I don't have any grapes. Now, don't come back in here, or I'll nail your feet to the floor."

The duck leaves, and comes back the next day.

"You got any nails?"

"No," the bartender says.

"Ah," says the duck. "You got any grapes?"

At 3/24/2009 2:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
& saw that the bear was closing in on him..

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on
top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right
paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't
exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty , Amen

At 3/27/2009 8:27 PM, Blogger Jon Spell said...

I don't know if you still need one, but this one posted over on was pretty funny.

Doctor: Well, Mrs. Olsen, we’ve talked about your high blood pressure and your medications. Are you experiencing any particular stress in your life?

Patient: Oh, yes! It’s the Sunbeams. They’re driving me crazy.

Doctor surprised: The sunbeams.

Patient: Yes. I’ve never had trouble with them before, but this group won’t sit still. They bounce all over the room, and run out the door and down the hall.

Doctor reaching for pen: Have you told anyone about this?

Patient: Of course. I told the president.

Doctor: Really! What did the President tell you?

Patient: She said Sunbeams are like that. I’m just going to have to learn to deal with them.

Doctor concerned that he may be missing something: I know people who are sensitive to sunbeams. Do they cause you to rash or anything?

Patient confused: A rash? No.

Doctor: What’s the biggest problem they’re creating?

Patient: It’s the noise. They just won’t quit talking.

Doctor astonished: The sunbeams are talking to you?

Patient: Well, yes. But mostly to each other.

Doctor: I see. Can anyone else hear them talking?

Patient after a moment of stunned silence: You’re not LDS, are you?


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