Six LDS Writers and A Frog

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Rob, the Galleria of Blogs

by Robison Wells

Quite often, I'll start writing a blog post only to discover that the topic I wish to speak about doesn't warrant an entire a post--in fact, it often only warrants one or two sentences. When I run into that problem, I'll tuck those short thoughts away, hoping that I'll have some future opportunity to pull them out and dust them off. (This may surprise those of you who assume that I'll post any old piece of crap.) (Because, usually, you're right.)

The sad news for me is that these short little snippets of blogs very rarely ever see the light of day, mostly because I always forget that I ever wrote them. However, today you're getting a whole bunch of them, with nothing to tie them together other than bullet points.

  • I'd like to file two official complaints with the following company: Jared The Galleria of Jewelry. First of all--and this is the more minor complaint--a galleria is defined as a roofed or enclosed space containing a variety of shops. Obviously, this is dumb, because Jared is just one shop, not a variety of them. However, I can forgive this, I guess, because lots of stores call themselves silly things, like the Auto Mall (which is just a big dealership), or The Dollar Shop, my barber, where a haircut costs a whopping four dollars, not one! If you can imagine!

    No, my real beef with Jared the Galleria of Jewelry is that there is absolutely nothing prestigous, classy, expensive, appealing, or sophisticated about the name "Jared". On the contrary, people named Jared tend to be boring doofuses. For example, Jared, the Subway guy. For more information about people named Jared, I consulted Professor Wikipedia and discovered that there are no other notable people named Jared. (I'm defining "notable" to mean "people I've heard of".) (Granted, I didn't read the whole list of Jareds, because it was long and boring.)

    Also, the commercials for Jared the Galleria of Jewelry are terrible. Based on the commercials, here's my guess of how the conversation went between the marketers:

    Marketer 1: We need to find an untapped jewelry market, some demographic that other jewellers haven't already discovered.

    Marketer 2: Well, so far, it looks like jewelry stores have been mostly focused on romance, prestige and quality. What if, instead, we went after the stupid people?

    Marketer 1: I'm intrigued. Tell me more.

    Marketer 2: What if we have unfunny commercials that depict obsessive, panicky nutjobs?

    Marketer 1: So, instead of actually discussing our products or services, we'll effectively be shouting "Jared! Jared! JARED!"

    Marketer 2: And I'm naming the company Jared, because I can't think of anything clever, and my name is Jared.

    Marketer 1: And our target customers are too dumb, apparently, to notice our apathy.

  • Along similar lines, I have a message for Olive Garden: you, sirs, have never had a single funny commercial in the history of your bland institution. This would not be a problem, except for the fact that all the characters in your commercials are laughing. Please write this down and tape it to your computer monitor: if the characters are laughing, but the joke is not funny, your audience will not be fooled. (Unless they're the type of people who shop at Jared the Galleria of Jewelry.)

  • Living on a college campus, I have noticed that moon boots are coming back into fashion, particularly among the trendy lady folk. One has to assume, as I do, that these stylish young women are trying to emulate the fashionability of myself as a nine-year-old nerd, or, perhaps, the chicness of Napoleon Dynamite.

    I also have to wonder what these girls are thinking: "These boots make me look SO HOT, especially since they make my feet and calves look SO ENORMOUS."

    Disclaimer: I don't want anyone to post comments here claiming that they wear moon boots because the boots keep their feet warm. You're only allowed to say that if you purchased and wore the boots back before they became trendy and hip, which you didn't. Liar.

  • A few words about some Christmas songs:

    First, "I'll Be Home For Christmas" is a very pleasant song, even though it contains the phrase "Christmas Eve will find me where the love light gleams", which means absolutely nothing. But then it ends with ""I'll home for Christmas, if only in my dreams", which is truly sad indeed, and it makes me cry.

    Second, I have some serious complaints about The Little Drummer Boy. The original song is fine, I guess, except that if the ox and lamb are truly keeping time, then why do you need a little drummer boy? Isn't that redundant? Or, is the drummer boy playing jazz?

    The Little Drummer Boy has been remade again and again by pop groups, and when they get to the line "I played my drum for him/I played my best for him", they launch into a big drum riff. And I like to imagine the little drummer boy hauling his drum kit up to the stable, setting up the bass, snares, and cymbals there in the serene quiet, and then: "BAM BAM BAM BAM BIDDIE BAM BAM BIDDIE BIDDIE CLANG BAM BAM BAM BIDDIE BIDDIE BAM BAM BAM." And then the little drummer boy throws the sticks across the stable and shouts "I've got blisters on my fingers!"

    And then He smiled at me, pa rum pa pum pum.


At 12/30/2008 3:23 PM, Blogger Annette Lyon said...

I love the way your random brain works.

At 12/30/2008 3:34 PM, Blogger Allison Hill said...

That's so funny--I had the exact same thought this year when I heard the little drummer boy--why would the ox and lamb be keeping time?

At 12/30/2008 4:30 PM, Blogger Worldbuilder Robin said...

My complaint about "The Little Drummer Boy" (and I appreciate having the opportunity to vent this) is the beginning of the second verse. Everyone who sings this song starts "Baby Jesu" (yay-soo) or, worse, "Little baby." Why are we avoiding saying the name Jesus in this one song? It's not like other songs don't mention the name Jesus, and it's not like the song tries to hide the fact that it's about Jesus. And yet, for this one song, it's sung with the Spanish pronunciation of His name. It's not a Spanish song, is it? I didn't think so. What's up with that?

At 12/30/2008 6:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I remember correctly, the little boy is playing his drums because he is underprivileged and decided to give service instead of a present, while those rich kings showed off their wealth by giving Jesus those wonderful expensive, over the top gifts. He was the original poor boy, but that didn’t stop him from getting a song written about his exploits.

And I only wished I could wear those adorable moon boots, but donning something other than sandals and the occasional athletic shoe down here in Yuma, even during the wintertime, would get unwanted attention of the teasing, snickering teenager kind. But, if a grown, adult, good-looking man ever ridiculed my footwear within my earshot, I probably would die a thousand deaths just before chucking the offending boot at his head.

For the record ... I love Olive Garden, and regular laugh while eating there. And the best ad line for jewelry? “Every kiss begins with Kay.”

Happy New Year!


At 12/30/2008 6:52 PM, Blogger Evil HR Lady said...

No, the real problem with the drummer boy is that Mary would have beaned him for playing the drums which wake up babies! Because even though Jesus was perfect, he still needed to eat every 2 hours and she needed her rest while he was sleeping!

No drummers!

At 12/30/2008 9:50 PM, Blogger Melanie J said...

I can't believe everyone is maligning the little drummer boy. I like him. Pah-rum-pah-pum-pum.

At 12/31/2008 1:08 AM, Blogger Stephanie Black said...

So a guy with a felony for a nickname goes and picks on a perfectly noble name like Jared. I'm shocked.

At 12/31/2008 3:17 AM, Blogger Sue said...

I HATE those Jared commercials. HATE. The guy's voice makes me want to kill people, I'm not kidding.

Hilarious post.

At 12/31/2008 10:02 AM, Blogger christina pettit said...

My roommate just informed me that those are not moon boots, they are "ugg" (s?) boots, originally from the Australian snowboarding crowd. And the real ones are made of leather so gues what . . . can't wear them in the snow. Right up there with Jared and the Olive Garden.

At 12/31/2008 1:36 PM, Blogger Matthew Buckley said...

My son's name is Jared.

*shakes fist at Rob*

At 12/31/2008 4:50 PM, Blogger pwells said...

Jared might be a loser but his brother was pretty cool.

At 12/31/2008 10:56 PM, Blogger Sandra said...

Hate the Jared commercials, Love Olive Garden, Uggs are ugly, babies need to sleep, but drum solos don't have to be loud.

However if you want to see a cool drummer song performed at a Christmas concert, go here:

At 1/03/2009 2:08 PM, Blogger Tristi Pinkston said...

The Christmas song that bugs me is "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year." The line:

"There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories ..."

Who the heck sits around on Christmas and tells ghost stories? That is so wrong.

And I dislike the Kay's ad. I've been kissed plenty of times but never gotten anything from Kay. I figure I'm owed a couple million dollars' worth of merchandise.

At 1/03/2009 3:36 PM, Blogger Sandra said...

Tristi- I think the ghost story line refers to "A Christmas Carol"

And I want my share of Kay merchandise as well.


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