New Hampshire Predictions

I try to stay out of the political world on this blog, despite the fact that I really love politics. Other than slandering libertarians and complaining about the boringness of local government, I’ve maintained a pretty good distance. However, that style of level-headed self control is gone, baby! In light of today’s caucuses in New Hampshire, I’ve decided to make a few predictions.

First of all, Kerry Blair will lose and lose big. The New Hampshire voters won’t agree with her weird Arizonian positions (such as her refusal to participate in Daylight Savings time, and her insistence that 95 degrees in January is okey dokey). She seems to have slightly too much integrity at times, making her unlikely to lie to Vladimir Putin’s face, and many doubt her willingness to nuke Mexico, should the need arise. Also: you can’t have goats and chickens and snakes and honeybees at the White House.
My prediction: less than 2% of the votes.

Second, Julie “Coulter” Bellon will lose, and rightfully so. She has three big obstacles to her campaign. First, her sister-in-law is Ann Coulter. The extreme left will hate her for that relation. Unfortunately, Julie and Ann have had a recent falling-out due to Julie allegedly stealing Ann’s sweet potato pie recipe last Thanksgiving and claiming it as her own! So, the extreme right has declared Julie to be a communist and an America-hater. Second, she’s from Canada, which not only makes her technically ineligible, but also makes her socially awkward. Third and lastly, Julie parties on the weekends with terrorists and dictators.
My prediction: probably twice as many votes as Kerry, but that isn’t saying much.

Third, Jeff Savage. Not much can be said here, except that Jeff was leading the polls by double digits a few weeks ago but has since seen a huge drop-off in support. It might be due to the debate last week wherein Jeff failed to realize that Pakistan was a country, insisting that it was a type of peanut butter-flavored treat. And, continuing his stubborn dedication to this flawed premise, he described Peanut Packy and Snacky Stan, the lovable animated duo. And then, while Charles Gibson was trying to get Jeff to explain his position on healthcare, Jeff left the podium and did a dance called the Packy Snack Attack. I’m sure you can find it on YouTube.
My prediction: 15% of the vote. (I’m assuming that 15% of voters don’t know what Pakistan is, either.)

Fourth, Stephanie Black. While most candidates are pushing an agenda of change, Stephanie is embracing the status quo. “Why change?” Stephanie said yesterday in an exclusive interview. “Change is a big pain in the patoot. I mean, I’m not running for president so I can spend a whole bunch of time working.” To better illustrate her reluctance to change, Stephanie and her staffers have reverted back to the fashions they wore in high school. New Hampshire grocery stores report that they’re running out of Aqua Net.
My prediction: 20% of the vote. (All the lazy people.)

Fifth, Sariah Wilson. She’ll win. In a controversial move, she’s been funding her campaign with her own fortune. And by “campaign”, I mean that she’s been giving out a lot of free hot dogs. And by “fortune”, I mean that her grandfather died and left her with twenty-two-thousand tons of hot dogs. She’s not only managed to attract the poor and hungry voters, but also all the cheapskate rich voters and the hot dog-loving middle class.
My prediction: 59% of the vote.