Six LDS Writers and A Frog

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

New Hampshire Predictions

I try to stay out of the political world on this blog, despite the fact that I really love politics. Other than slandering libertarians and complaining about the boringness of local government, I’ve maintained a pretty good distance. However, that style of level-headed self control is gone, baby! In light of today’s caucuses in New Hampshire, I’ve decided to make a few predictions.

First of all, Kerry Blair will lose and lose big. The New Hampshire voters won’t agree with her weird Arizonian positions (such as her refusal to participate in Daylight Savings time, and her insistence that 95 degrees in January is okey dokey). She seems to have slightly too much integrity at times, making her unlikely to lie to Vladimir Putin’s face, and many doubt her willingness to nuke Mexico, should the need arise. Also: you can’t have goats and chickens and snakes and honeybees at the White House.
My prediction: less than 2% of the votes.

Second, Julie “Coulter” Bellon will lose, and rightfully so. She has three big obstacles to her campaign. First, her sister-in-law is Ann Coulter. The extreme left will hate her for that relation. Unfortunately, Julie and Ann have had a recent falling-out due to Julie allegedly stealing Ann’s sweet potato pie recipe last Thanksgiving and claiming it as her own! So, the extreme right has declared Julie to be a communist and an America-hater. Second, she’s from Canada, which not only makes her technically ineligible, but also makes her socially awkward. Third and lastly, Julie parties on the weekends with terrorists and dictators.
My prediction: probably twice as many votes as Kerry, but that isn’t saying much.

Third, Jeff Savage. Not much can be said here, except that Jeff was leading the polls by double digits a few weeks ago but has since seen a huge drop-off in support. It might be due to the debate last week wherein Jeff failed to realize that Pakistan was a country, insisting that it was a type of peanut butter-flavored treat. And, continuing his stubborn dedication to this flawed premise, he described Peanut Packy and Snacky Stan, the lovable animated duo. And then, while Charles Gibson was trying to get Jeff to explain his position on healthcare, Jeff left the podium and did a dance called the Packy Snack Attack. I’m sure you can find it on YouTube.
My prediction: 15% of the vote. (I’m assuming that 15% of voters don’t know what Pakistan is, either.)

Fourth, Stephanie Black. While most candidates are pushing an agenda of change, Stephanie is embracing the status quo. “Why change?” Stephanie said yesterday in an exclusive interview. “Change is a big pain in the patoot. I mean, I’m not running for president so I can spend a whole bunch of time working.” To better illustrate her reluctance to change, Stephanie and her staffers have reverted back to the fashions they wore in high school. New Hampshire grocery stores report that they’re running out of Aqua Net.
My prediction: 20% of the vote. (All the lazy people.)

Fifth, Sariah Wilson. She’ll win. In a controversial move, she’s been funding her campaign with her own fortune. And by “campaign”, I mean that she’s been giving out a lot of free hot dogs. And by “fortune”, I mean that her grandfather died and left her with twenty-two-thousand tons of hot dogs. She’s not only managed to attract the poor and hungry voters, but also all the cheapskate rich voters and the hot dog-loving middle class.
My prediction: 59% of the vote.


At 1/08/2008 6:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

On the other hand, there are those of us just seven miles from the border of New Hampshire and when we talk about watching the N. H. primaries, we mean watching the traffic zooming past the window with all the N.H. people employed in Massachusetts racing by to get to the polls before they close.

Today I happened into the contested state a few miles to pick up my computer. Along the roadway there are dozens of signs, mostly in some combination of red, white and blue, and I even saw some in the freeway divider. At one point there were even some young men on the dividers holding up signs for Romeny. Being somewhat partial to anything that comes from Utah, I cheered them on and let out a few squeels that would have embarrassed my BYU daughter beyond forgiveness before driving two blocks to the computer shop. When I got there I heard sirens. When I got back to the divider less than ten minutes later, the street was empty except for the signs and the usual cars, and I am left to wonder if the young men I supposed to be supporters were cheering Mitt or messing with the signs, whether I applauded the political process or encouraged vandalism.

I quit, Rob. Put me down for Kerry and change the law so she can have her petting zoo at the White House. It is totally better than the zoo I'm seeing around here.


At 1/08/2008 7:14 PM, Anonymous Jennie Hansen said...

Welcome back, Rob. You left out one candidate--you. Who else could have foreign heads of state shaking their heads in bemusement? How would the terrorists figure out if you're for or against them? With you as Commander in Chief, I predict enlistments would be up. And it would be interesting to see who you would appoint to the next vacancy on the Supreme Court. Illegals would no longer be a problem, they'd all die laughing. The economy would improve and the obesity problem go away as we all learned to live on mooched casseroles. The media would have no idea what you were talking about 99% of the time and that would give us all a break. My vote is for Rob!

At 1/08/2008 7:56 PM, Blogger Sariah S. Wilson said... scheming to take over the world is working! I knew it was just a matter of time.

Anybody need a hot dog?

At 1/08/2008 9:25 PM, Blogger Lucy Eliza said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 1/08/2008 9:27 PM, Blogger Lucy Eliza said...

I'd be part of the 2% for Kerry! Whats wrong with goats, chickens, snakes and honeybees at the White House? Also, why nuke any country? We can all be friends, right? :P

At 1/08/2008 10:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Has anyone ever told you, you are simply brilliant! I have yet to read one of your books, but I adore your blog entries.

At 1/09/2008 1:17 AM, Blogger Stephanie Black said...

Vote for me! What's up with the whole change thing anyway? I mean honestly, what was wrong with big hair and leg warmers?

At 1/09/2008 1:49 PM, Blogger Tristi Pinkston said...

I'll be very curious to see how these predictions play out, Rob.

At 1/09/2008 7:05 PM, Blogger Jon said...

I guess we'll just have to write in Robison "H.G." Wells for President.

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