Six LDS Writers and A Frog

Friday, January 11, 2008

Is It Friday Already?

Just for the record:

Never once in the eighteen-some months I’ve been here have I felt comfortable posting in the same week as any of these people. It’s very much like being the weird cousin at the family reunion. You know who I mean: the girl who wears green knee socks and a blue skort and has to remove her retainer (publicly) before giving an oboe rendition (badly) of “Come, Come Ye Saints” for (excruciatingly painful) talent night. You know what? Let’s not talk about it. I need to not even think about it in order to get through the rest of the day!

I’ve never run for anything in my whole life. True fact. Well, I guess I “ran” for PTA president once, but mine was the only name on the ballot. (Does that count?) I can’t remember ever competing for anything, either. In fact, I’m not even fun to play games with. I lack whatever gene it is that makes an otherwise sane person fight to the death for Marvin Gardens. Don’t vote for me. (Not that you would have anyway.)

I’d worry about myself (more than I do already, I mean) except that in comparison with some people I come across on the Internet I’m doing just fine, thank you very much. Just this morning I read about:

Mark Malkoff, a film maker and sometime comedian on The Colbert Report who moved into an IKEA while his apartment was being fumigated. He chose a living room, office, and bedroom that worked for him and made himself at home. He didn’t mind the commute from floor to floor, but was dismayed to discover that they turn off all the lights at midnight and that the televisions and laptops are all fake. I’m considering moving myself. There are no downsides for me. I’m always asleep before midnight, I don’t watch much TV, and having a cardboard computer would go a long way toward helping out with my aforementioned blogging problem.

Chidi Ogbuta, a new bride in Texas, felt bad that she was leaving her childhood behind with a dream left unfulfilled: she’d always wanted a life-sized doll that looked just like her. Her doting father’s solution was to get her a life-sized wedding cake. There’s a picture here of the groom plunging a knife into her thigh. Better than her heart, I guess. The headline reads: You may now eat the bride. Excuse me but . . . yuck.

I did read about one thing creeper than that bride cake: a growing industry of fake babies called “Re-Borns.” I have no idea why they chose that name but it gives me pause. Maybe I’ve been overly influenced by the New Year Twilight Zone marathon, but aren’t re-born people almost always a bad thing? (Not speaking evangelically, of course.) Anyway, according to the site I perused, these dolls “cry, squirm and are the objects of intense affection by their ‘mothers.’ Loved like real babies, they’re taken for walks, bathed, and even have their diapers changed.” Not surprisingly, they cost almost as much as real babies too. Now I want a grandchild as much as the next woman, but if one of my kids ever shows up with one of those things I’m locking the door and calling the local “guidance center.”

There’s more – much more, to my dismay – but I have two edits, a pronunciation guide for audio, eight Cub Scouts, a daughter going away to college tomorrow, and a waist-high stack of Whitney nominees awaiting my attention today.

I know! Let’s have another contest! (You people are bored, right?) Tell you what, you all find something stranger than what I came up with this morning and post it in the comments section. If I think it is as good or better than mine, I’ll mail you an authentic Frog pen/bookmark/ruler thingie. (Only The Frog could come up with a gadget this cool!) Don’t worry, I’m relatively easy to impress.

It’s impressing I’m not good at. (See above.)


At 1/11/2008 11:02 AM, Blogger Kerry Blair said...

I just removed the link to the "Re-Born" baby site. I hadn't read any of the comments below the story -- I never do -- but one of my kids just wrote to tell me there's some crude stuff posted. Please forgive me if anybody saw the comments before I deleted the link. Sorry, sorry!

At 1/11/2008 12:54 PM, Blogger Jeff Savage said...

Great stories Kerry. At least you can play the Oboe. I have to play "We are all Enlisted" on the kazoo. And it's not even a real kazoo just a comb with wax paper.
And I forgot to take out my retainer first. Not pretty.

How about the hunter who was shot to death by his dog in Houston a couple of days ago? He put his loaded shotgun and hunting dog in the back of his truck togther--which proved to be a bad idea when his dog stepped on the trigger.

Wonder how many dogs have considered doing the same thing when their owners are mean to them. Sounds like a really warped Dean Koontz book.

Of course there's also the train engineer who decided to unrinate out the window of a speeding train and fell out.

At 1/11/2008 3:05 PM, Blogger Jon said...

Well, I don't have a bizarre comment - those are my usual, I suppose, but I did have one thing to say on Writing.

Any of you that attended BYU during a certain timeframe may recall a feature from the Daily Universe called "Snide Remarks." It was a Dave Barry-esque humor column. The author has since moved on to movie reviews and has a weekly newsletter that I look forward to on Fridays.

From today's review of The Diving Bell and the Butterfly:

"Let that be a lesson to all you procrastinating would-be writers. A guy who was paralyzed except for one eye managed to write a book. What's your excuse?"

You, too, can sign up for his newsletter at the bottom of
It's called "In the Dark"

At 1/11/2008 3:38 PM, Blogger Kerry Blair said...

Jon: I think you already have one of the Frog's doohickeys, but I just have to send you another for that quote! I'm going to add it to my list of favorites-for-writers-conferences.

Jeff: I was looking for links, but I guess I'll just have to take your word for these. Too funny. (And I never said I could play the oboe. I can't even play the kazoo...or the comb!)

At 1/11/2008 8:25 PM, Blogger Jon said...

Kerry: How about you just wish me one, and we'll call it good? =)
I don't know why you're so insecure about your writing - you are the BEST!

Jeff: sometimes, when you gotta go, you gotta go! (And off he went.)

At 1/11/2008 8:36 PM, Blogger Tristi Pinkston said...

On that bride cake, did you catch that the groom's name was Innocent? Who would name their poor child Innocent?

At 1/11/2008 8:38 PM, Blogger Jeff Savage said...

So sho you don't think I made them up. They are a little grisly, but what do you expect from a guy who writes about dead bodies so much?

At 1/11/2008 11:00 PM, Blogger Marta O. Smith said...

How about the guys who tried to cash their deceased friend's social security check? They wheeled him to the check cashing store on an office chair. A detective having lunch next door noticed the man in the chair was dead and called the police.

At 1/11/2008 11:33 PM, Blogger Dan and Wendy said...

Well this story gave me the heebie jeebies. Marriage Annulled After Separated Twins Marry.

Talk about awkward...

At 1/12/2008 6:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Kerry, I just noticed that you are coming out with a book this coming March. I only briefly looked at the description. Are you going to blog about it?

At 1/12/2008 7:07 PM, Blogger Lucy Eliza said...

I read an article in the newspaper about two weeks ago about the use of GPS in cars. It had some bizarre stories about people who would follow their GPS to the end of the earth. For example one guy, when told by his GPS, turned into a lake and right before hitting the water shouted, "The GPS is always right!". Another was about a man, driving a rental car, who turned onto railroad tracks when told by his GPS. At least he was smart enough to get out of the car when a train appeared.

At 1/13/2008 7:14 PM, Blogger Kerry Blair said...

You guys are terrific! My youngest chick flew the nest today, so it did my heart good to check in here and get a laugh or two. While I was online I read an article about a young mother who took her toddler along on an armed robbery. Do you think it was take-your-child-to-work day, or are babysitters just really had to find in her neighborhood?

Anyway, if you sent me a site, send your name and address to and I'll send you one of those wondrous, magical Frog thingies. (Or all my good wishes if you're Jon.)

As for your question, Anonymous, where did you see that? It isn't even up on my web site yet. It's true, though. "Counting Blessings" is my first non-fiction book! It will be out in time for Mothers Day. (If you heard March, you're ahead of me. Nobody's given me a date yet, but I do have a preliminary cover.) Will you hear about it here first? You bet you will! Thanks for asking! If I knew who you were you'd be my new best friend.

At 1/14/2008 5:07 PM, Blogger Seagulljaap said...

Well I suppose I can reveal myself at this point. I saw it in a Covenant Preview for March (We just got them last week) I am a Seagull Employee. In the bloggernacle I go by Seagulljaap

At 1/15/2008 12:21 AM, Blogger ChillyGator said...

I showed my friend the baby site (must have been a different one than what you saw because it was 100% clean...who knew more than one person would do this? Strange, just strange) and her comment was quickly "I need one!" If we're ever old and crazy together...

This site isn't weird, but it is least to me. Maybe you just have to work in my department.

It is The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks. HOORAY!

At 1/15/2008 8:56 AM, Blogger Evil HR Lady said...

For weird, yet makes me happy, an Ohio Court just ruled that selling crack is employment. Therefore, if you can sell crack you are not eligible for disability.


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