It Was a Dark and Stormy Night -- Or Was It?

by Kerry Blair

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. ~Edward George Bulwer-Lytton in Paul Clifford (1830)

I shudder to think what it says about me, but that has always been one of my favorite lines from literature. (And I don’t use the term facetiously like the folks at San Jose State University, either!)

Almost certainly, my appreciation for Lord Bulwer-Lytton was inspired by my first love, Snoopy. From the late 60s well into the 70s I cut from the Sunday comics every Charles Schultz cartoon that featured the indefatigable, always-optimistic writing beagle.

A few of my favorites:

Snoopy sitting on his dog house typing: It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a shot rang out! Then another! And another! And then some more. Shots, that is.

Snoopy sitting on his dog house, typing: It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a shot rang out!
Lucy: Isn’t there enough violence in the world today? Can’t you write about something nice?
Snoopy, typing: It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a kiss rang out!

Snoopy, typing: Some nights were dark. Some nights were stormy. Some shots rang out. Some maids screamed. Some more editors sent rejections slips.

Lucy to Snoopy: I heard you got a six figure offer for your next book. May I ask what the six figure was?
Snoopy: 000,000!

Alas, Julie relates to Earnest Hemingway while I relate to Snoopy. Do you think that in any way explains my "success" in the world of arts and letters?

Moving on . . . as a proud protégé of both Snoopy and his mentor, it is with mixed emotion I tell you that the results for the 2007 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest were announced this week. (You know, that contest where they make fun of bad writing – presumably bad writing done on purpose.) The winner was Jim Gleeson of Madison, Wisconsin. Gleeson wrote: Gerald began—but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them “permanently” mean the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash—to pee.

Admittedly, that will be hard to top, but I think you can do it! We’re going to have our own 2007 Snoopy as Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest here on the Frog Blog – and, boy, do I have world-class prizes! The winner of our contest for the WORST opening paragraph for an LDS novel will receive (drum roll, please):

*A vintage copy of Bulwer-Lytton’s most famous work: The Last Days of Pompeii. (First published in 1834, but this copy is from the early 1900s – 1913, I think. I happen to have picked up two in my thrift-store hauntings or you’d never get it!)

*A matted, full-color photocopy of my very favorite Snoopy writing cartoon of all time. (If you think I’d give you the original you’re loony as a ‘toon.)

*A fabulous six-figure cash award. (The figure is – you guessed it – $000,000!)

Enter in the comments section. Next Thursday, which I sincerely hope will be a dark and stormy night, The Frog will pick one winner and two runners-up. The Six Writers -- including me! -- are eligible to enter. (The Frog is absolutely impartial, I swear!) You may only enter once, so give it your best shot. Extra points may be given for including dark, stormy and/or night somewhere in the paragraph. Paragraphs may exceed one sentence, but no more than 100 words.

This is it: your chance to prove to the world that you can write worse than Robison Wells! Don’t miss it!