'Cause I hate you, and I berate you

by Robison Wells

So far in my career as an author, I haven't received a lot of angry letters. Of course, I don't get an overwhelming amount of fan mail either. I think that's because my books are bland and innocuous--literary mashed potatoes--and don't inspire the kind of passionate feelings associated with letter writing. Or maybe just no one has my email address.

One memorable angry email was titled "Enjoyed Your Book". You can imagine how pleased I was to see that appear in my in-box, taunting me with its promises of compliments and praise. But when I opened it up, it was not nearly as pleasant as advertised.

The main complaint was that the main character in On Second Thought, my first book, was too indecisive and non-committal. In the book--as you no doubt recall because you've read it thirteen times--the protagonist, Walt, is a guy in his late twenties who is unmarried and doesn't like his job. By the end of the book, however, he's married and happy. (I suppose that I should have put some kind of Spoiler Alert right there, if you're the type of person who finds the endings of romantic comedies surprising.) The letter writer's complaint was with Walt's initial flaws, and seemed to ignore the fact that he eventually changes. That, I think, is akin to not liking Luke Skywalker because he's forever trapped on that distant planet, farming for his uncle.

Anyway, the letter writer continued and got even angrier. Taking the stance that Walt was a symbol for all American men, she (the writer was a she) complained that he's illustrative of all that's wrong with society. Men aren't committal, and they're more than willing to let women make all the first moves, and blah blah blah. Were I the type of person to speculate about the lives of letter writers, I'd assume her boyfriend simply wouldn't ever pop the question. Or, possibly, she didn't have a boyfriend at all--probably because she's a whiny grouch--and was annoyed that no one was asking her out. But of course, I'm not like that, so I'm not even going to mention it.

Last week I got another angry letter--a much longer one about The Counterfeit, my third book, and one that was more insightful. Many of the comments were indeed valid and thought-provoking. (So valid and thought-provoking that they finally made me realize what a crappy writer I am, and that I ought to give it all up.)

But the letter also included this line: "Oh, and your anti-gun diatribes were a little over the top." In other words, after reading my book, the letter-writer believed that I had an anti-gun political agenda.

While I've tried to make it a rule that readers are always right--that if they didn't "get it", it was probably because of weakness in the writing, not the reading--I have to simply say this:

First, just because a certain character says something, that doesn't mean they're correct--or even that they mean what they say. In this book, I never intended at all for that character to be making a political statement. Her reaction to the gun was based on something else entirely.

But second, and more importantly: it's freaking fiction, people! Even if I wrote a scene where my character stood up on a soapbox and quoted Karl Marx, that wouldn't ever imply that I personally believe that stuff. It's a character in a book, nothing more.

I remember when On Second Thought came out, and readers began to ask me questions about it. An aquantaince approached, complimented me on the book, and then said: "I didn't know your wife was from California."

"California?" I said. "She's not. Why do you say that?"

He looked confused, and thought for a moment. "Well the girl in the book--she was from California! Is that not your wife?"

No, moron. It's fiction. Notice how my name is "Rob", not "Walt".

Anyway, pardon my ranting. Even in spite of the occassional weird comment, I like getting angry letters--I almost always come away from them with an idea of how to become a better writer.

Then again, it's weird to realize that complete strangers are thinking about me, and upset enough to let me know. Man, I wish it was illegal for these wackos to own guns.