Six LDS Writers and A Frog

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Lord of the Marshalsea

by Robison Wells

I continue to be unemployed, which is every bit as awesome as advertised. Yesterday, in an effort to appease the bill collectors, I spent several hours at my brother's house doing yard work. And let me tell you, my MBA was quite beneficial to that endeavor. I implemented a weed-reduction program, which decreased the number of unwanted plants in the vegetable garden by 95%; I identified unwanted competition in the flower patch (grass), developed a push-back strategy (dug up the grass), and established barriers to entry which will ensure future maintenance of the flower patch's blue ocean (I put plastic edging between the lawn and the garden). And then my brother paid me two hundred and fifty million dollars, plus stock.

In addition to not having a job, I've decided to grow a beard. I've done this kind of thing on and off over the years, but my matriculation at BYU had made it somewhat difficult lately. My current plan is that I'll shave it off when I get a job interview. In other words: I'll soon look like Lorenzo Snow.

So after my gardening, during which I had blackened my jeans with dirt, I later found myself discussing my unemployed status with an elderly German lady. She, observing my filthiness and beard, sincerely and politely asked "Did you lose your job as a construction worker?"

Masterpiece Theater has recently been running a series of Charles Dickens adaptations, all of which seem to have characters who are in the depths of poverty but who eventually move to a life of prosperity. Consequently, I've decided that what I need is a benefactor. I imagine that he'll be named something like Mr. Picklepott. At the very least, maybe my enemies (the aforementioned bill collectors) will fall through the ice to their deaths, or spontaneously combust, or have their shiny office building collapse and kill them. And, if none of that works, I just finished watching Little Dorrit, and debtors prison didn't look all that bad.

The good news is that lately I've found a lot more time to write. I'm about 30,000 words into my book, which is much farther than I've gotten in a long time. And, since I'm writing this book in a state of utter and hopeless poverty, I'll have a really good story to tell Oprah when she interviews me about it. So, to all you employed jerks out there: stinks to be you.


At 5/19/2009 10:55 PM, Blogger lachish said...

Your weekly blog posting is one of the few which never fails to make me laugh out loud. Unfortunately, people think I am weird when I do that.

Might I suggest that you try to get a gig as a humor columnist at a newspaper. Then the beard won't matter, and we can all continue to be amused to tears on a more frequent basis.

Then again, newspapers seem to be in the dumps nowadays. Maybe, just maybe . . . that is why you have the MBA. Find some struggling company! Bring it back from the brink! And tell us all about it so we can have a good laugh with you.

At 5/19/2009 11:03 PM, Blogger LexiconLuvr said...

I loved the weed-reduction program and the established barriers!

Congrats on the word count!

At 5/19/2009 11:27 PM, Blogger Annette Lyon said...

The fact that you know about a Dickens character that spontaneously combusted puts you up a few points in my book, even if you don't know WHICH book it is (few people do).

It almost redeems you for not having read any Jane Austen.

I want to see the beard in all its current glory--and then see it shaved quickly, which would mean you have a miserable but bill-paying JOB.

At 5/20/2009 12:06 AM, Blogger RobisonWells said...

Oh, stop it. It was Bleak House. (I saw the movie.)

At 5/20/2009 12:11 AM, Blogger Heather B. Moore said...

I agree with Daron. You'd be an awesome columnist--and would have no problem coming up with different stuff each week :-) Don't tell anyone, but you are funnier than AEC.

At 5/20/2009 1:12 AM, Blogger Evil HR Lady said...

If you are going to do yard work, don't grow a beard. Why? Because your face will tan and then you will shave your beard for your interview and you will look ridiculous.

Which will make for a wonderful blog post, so go ahead and grow it.

At 5/20/2009 11:20 AM, Blogger Heather B. Moore said...

Rob, maybe you can start a blog about your unemployment odessey--get a ton of followers, then start charging for advertising! LOL. (instead of the blog "seriously so blessed" it could be "seriously so cursed" or "seriously broke")

At 5/22/2009 6:05 PM, Blogger Tristi Pinkston said...

I'm glad to hear you're keeping your mad skills sharp. And that lawn has probably never been so well organized.


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