Enough For Forever: An Interview with Edward Cullen

by Robison Wells

You may have heard that fellow LDS writer Stephenie Meyer has released her fourth book—her first that is not part of the Twilight Series. I invited her to interview with us today, but her publicist replied with the following: “We regret to inform you that Mrs. Meyer will be unavailable, as she will spend the better part of the day rolling around in a big pile of money, followed by a light dinner of gold-plated caviar. And then more rolling in money.”

Fortunately, however, the publicist gave us the number of Mr. Edward Cullen. So, he’s here in the studio today. We hope to address some important, hard-hitting issues, and then we’ll take your calls.

Rob: So, Edward. It’s good to have you here. Let me just say that this is quite an honor.

Edward: Are you okay? I mean, are you afraid?

Rob: Uh. . . not exactly scared. More like honored, like I said.

Edward: Well you should be scared. I’m very scary and just being here with you is putting your life in danger.

Rob: Really? Because you seem pretty dang docile.

Edward: [He glowers a bit, and his eyes turn black.] No. I’m really freaky scary, and you should run away from me, far away.

Rob: Oh, knock it off. I have some questions.

Edward: Alright, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Rob: I sure won’t say that when you glower me to death. First question is: you said once that Bella has a very floral smell, like freesia.

Edward: Yes.

Rob: Personally, I have no idea what freesia smells like.

Edward: Is that a question?

Rob: Well I’m just thinking that I bet most people don’t know what freesia smells like. I bet Bella had no idea what freesia smells like.

Edward: What’s your point?

Rob: I think it’s a pick-up line. I think if you were to say “Bella, you smell like flowers”, then she’d shrug it off. I mean, she’s a very discerning, hard-to-get kind of girl. But, if you say “Bella, you smell like freesia”, then she’d think you’re really romantic and jump right into your cold, undead arms.

Edward: You caught me. Honestly, people ask us vampires all the time what they smell like, and what am I supposed to say? I’m not some aromatherapy nerd. So, me and the other vamps made a big list of romantic-sounding smells. For example, “the wind of an angry sea” or “the morning dew on the petal of a lily”.

Rob: Ooh, those are good. What do I smell like?

Edward: Fried chicken.

Rob: I don’t brush my teeth a lot.

Edward: No biggie.

Rob: What would you have said if I were a girl? “You smell like. . . the oily bird of a Southern colonel?”

Edward: That’s absolutely terrible.

Rob: Well, we can’t all be vampires. How would you phrase it?

Edward: Maybe I could come up with something about the secret blend of herbs and spices. Girls like secrets, and they’d think the spices were hot and sexy, like cayenne pepper.

Rob: When actually you just mean salt?

Edward: Yeah, and Crisco.

Rob: Next question: you say at some point that you prefer brunettes. Is this just another line?

Edward: No, I generally prefer brunettes. However, I’ll make an exception for that Naomi Watts. She’s a fox. And Kate Bosworth. And Reese Witherspoon.

Rob: I thought you were totally committed to Bella.

Edward: Well, the books are written from her point of view.

Rob: Speaking of which, does anyone else find it creepy that you’re a really old man and your dating a teenager? I mean, that’s more than robbing the cradle.

Edward: I see your concern, but, you know, I’m old. When someone cuts you off in traffic, and then you realize that he’s an old man in a hat from the 1940s, don’t you cut him a little slack? “He’s old,” you say. “Just ignore him.”

Rob: That makes it not creepy?

Edward: Totally. That, and I’m also really attractive.

Rob: I see. Next question. I hear that your mortal enemies are werewolves.

Edward: Yep.

Rob: Well, I don’t mean to get all Jerry Springer on you, but I thought I’d bring your arch-nemesis into the studio as well.

Edward: Jacob Black? Bring it on. I’ll throw a folding chair at him.

Rob: Well, he couldn’t exactly make it. So, I invited Michael J. Fox, as Teen Wolf!

Teen Wolf: Hi guys!

Edward: What?

Rob: So, Teen Wolf, tell me a little about your feud with the vampires.

Teen Wolf: I don’t think I really have one. I played a lot of basketball.

Rob: Edward, do you think you could beat Teen Wolf in basketball?

Edward: Vampires don’t play basketball.

Teen Wolf: What’s the matter? Chicken?

Rob: Next question. Who would win in basketball: Teen Wolf, or Edward with Flubber on his shoes?

Edward: I assure you, I do not need Flubber to jump high.

Teen Wolf: That’s big talk from a pale-faced pick-up artist.

Edward: [Glowers some more.]

Teen Wolf: I’m gonna make like a tree and get outta here. To the Wolfmobile! [He leaves.]

Rob: So, back to you. There’s only one more Twilight book and then this gig is over. Any hints about the ending?

Edward: Well, we’ve already fought the werewolves. Would it surprise you to learn there’s a small group of Frankensteins living in Seattle?

Rob: I suppose not.

Edward: Well, there are. And there’s another love triangle with one of them, except now, I guess, it’s more like a love square, since there’s three guys.

Rob: And one of them is a Frankenstein?

Edward: His first day of high school his arm falls off! He’s so embarrassed.

Rob: I bet.

Edward: And there’s the whole thing with the Zombies. And then Mike Newton does his genealogy and discovers his great-great-grandfather was Van Helsing.

Rob: That’s probably awkward. So, what do you have planned next? You must be doing something after the Twilight series.

Edward: Well, I suppose this is as good a place as any to let the cat out of the bag. I’m starring in a new book: The Nephite Who Loved Me. “The name is Giddoni . Gidgidonni.”

Rob: That sounds terrific. Thanks, and good night.