Six LDS Writers and A Frog

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Rob Regrets to Inform You That He Can't Accept the Invitation to Your Summer Vacation

Hi! I'm sorry that I never RSVP'd. While I'm certainly flattered by your thoughtful invitation, the sad truth is that I'm just not interested.

Let me fill you in on a problem we're having in Salt Lake City: someone here sinned or something, and we've been cursed with the fires of hell. Specifically, it was 89 degrees on Saturday. There I was, minding my own Springish business, happily ensconced in April, when I was suddenly and visciously attacked by none other than The Heat Miser! I had to turn on my air conditioning!

I'm not a fan of the summer, nor am I fan of heat. In fact, going outside is a real turn-off. Sorry. Your invitation mentioned that we'd be enjoying "fun in the sun" and I simply can't comprehend such a thing.

Let me tell you a short story: I served my mission in scenic New Mexico, and my first area was a tiny Navajo reservation community called Pueblo Pintado. (You know that one place in New Mexico that you've heard of? Pueblo Pintado isn't near it.) We lived in a trailer, and from my front porch we could see exactly three other buildings. The nearest grocery store was forty miles away. And, no surprise, the gas station in Pueblo Pintado didn't sell sunscreen--Navajos don't need it, and white people (such as my pasty self) never go there. So, for the first month of my mission I burned over and over again--I'm a white, freckled, redhead. My face was blistered and leathery. And then one day, while playing basketball with some kids, I grabbed a rebound and while pulling the ball down it brushed across my face and tore all the skin off my forehead and nose! Elder Horrific Scabby-Face, that's who I was.

Anyway, the point of that unpleasant story is to say that I really dislike going outside, and I especially dislike outdoor activities that require little clothing--for example, swimming.

Recently, the Discovery Channel aired a program called Planet Earth, which was billed as the greatest nature documentary ever. And it definitely lived up to the hype. It was fantastic. However, in their attempt to show the viewer new and bizarre things, they sent a submarine down to the ocean floor--two miles down--and filmed all the crazy crap down there. For example--I swear I'm not making this up!--there's a squid called Vampiro Toothus, and it's got crazy spikes and it lights up with glowing, Satanish eyes. Now, I don't mean to play the Scripture Card, but here's what the Doctrine And Covenants has to say about water sports:
D&C 61: 14-15

14 Behold, I, the Lord, in the beginning blessed the waters; but in the last days, by the mouth of my servant John, I cursed the waters.

15 Wherefore, the days will come that no flesh shall be safe upon the waters.

So, thanks for the invite, but I will not join you for water skiing. In fact, I may have to call you to repentance when you return. (If you return, that is. Say "Hi" to Vampiro Toothus for me.)

Now I don't wish to appear anti-social. If you were to ammend your invitation, taking out the phrases "sand volleyball" and "soakin' up the rays" and replace them with "LAN party" and "eating hot wings" then we might have a deal.

I await your reply.


At 5/01/2007 12:52 PM, Anonymous kerry said...

Come see me! You'll love Phoenix! Not not only is there no water anywhere (talk about sinning, we haven't had rain in eight years), but with it being 125-degrees outside in mid-May, the only sports we play are done inside. Bring a sweater, though. The air conditioning will make you pine for balmy SLC in January.

LOVED the blog. I haven't spewed orange juice on the keyboard in a long time.

At 5/01/2007 1:41 PM, Blogger Brian said...

Oh man, I'm in pain after reading your sunburn story.

At 5/01/2007 6:15 PM, Blogger Wm said...

I hear you, Rob. That's why even though other people think we're crazy, my family and I are planning on moving from California to Minnesota and aren't scared of the climate change.

At 5/01/2007 10:13 PM, Blogger Evil HR Lady said...


As someone who servied a mission in Minnesota, I have to say I support you decision. It's cold, but you just deal with it. You buy warm coats and get a garage for your car.

It's a beautiful place.


Seeing Mr. Heat Miser just made me very happy.

At 5/02/2007 7:10 AM, Blogger Mindi said...

I have to put in my plug for Indiana. We love it here, especially after living in Arizona! Four seasons, snow that sticks long enough to play in it and then melts, 80 is considered a really hot day, what more could you want? I'm pregnant all summer (again) and have been getting a lot of sympathy, but don't mind it. I did three summer pregnancies in Arizona and for two of them, our power went out. Indiana isn't so bad!

At 5/03/2007 8:51 AM, Blogger Josi said...

And willard is generally two to THREE degrees cooler than Salt Lake. Move up here, we need a new ward mission leader.

cornflakes anyone?


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